Archive for July, 2009

Praying for Your Future Husband While You Wait For Him

Friday, July 31st, 2009

Praying

Sometimes it can be so frustrating to watch all of your friends pairing off and getting boyfriends—especially when a school dance or other big event comes along.

Even though the man who will one day sweep you off your feet isn’t in your life today, it is important to remember that he is out there somewhere and you can be praying for him. The odds are in your favor, most people aren’t called to celibacy. Chances are you probably will get married even if it takes awhile.

 The years spent waiting for your future husband don’t have to be wasted. On Wednesday we talked about how those years can be put to good use. But there’s another thing I want to mention before the week is out.

Every day you spend waiting is a day you can spend praying. I seriously began praying for the man I would marry when I was in college. Maybe it was the swarm of unattractive and immature guys around me that prompted me to pray for the man I would call mine. But I think it was something more than that.

I regularly prayed that the man God would have for me would have certain character qualities—patience, kindness, gentleness, godliness, etc…And I also prayed for his purity and that the Lord would be drawing him into a deeper relationship with Himself.

But there’s a period of months that still stands out distinctly in my mind. During that time I was prompted to pray that God would show my future husband that the relationship he was in was harmful and destructive. I wrote out a series of prayers in my journal asking God to give this man—whom I didn’t know—strength and resolve to end the relationship. I felt so strongly that this is what I should be praying that I prayed these prayers every night—and I wrote about them and dated them in my journal.

Years later when I began dating my husband the topic of past relationships came up. He only had one—during that very same period of months. It was destructive and he ended the relationship right around the time my burden to pray those prayers stopped. (My old journals serve as a written testimony in case there are any skeptics out there.)

I will never forget the look of amazement on Michael’s face when I told him about my old journals and those prayers. He was stunned and overcome with emotion all at the same time. The fact that God could be prompting my heart to pray about specific circumstances in his life when I didn’t even know him was truly an amazing thing.

So, take some time (it doesn’t have to be every day) and pray for your future husband. Ask God to build traits of godliness in him and make him a strong leader. Pray that God will give him boldness—especially when it comes to pursuing you when the time is right. Don’t be afraid to pray for his sexual purity and protection even from pure relationships with the wrong girls.

You may be amazed at what God will do. Keep a written record of your prayers with a date next to them so that someday you can have a written testimony of what God did in your love story long before you even knew the man you would marry.

What are some things you can (or do) pray for your future husband? Do you do anything special like keep a journal of letters to him? What are some ways you can take your longing for a relationship and turn it into something productive?

The Upside of Singleness

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009

happy girl

Although contrary to popular belief among girls who really just want a boyfriend, there are some pluses to being single.That’s right.

Today I’m going to highlight just three. Then I want you to chime in and share even more positives aspects of being single in the comments section below. Deal?

1. Being single allows you to figure out who you are apart from someone else. Sometimes dating teens stop focusing on who they are as people and instead focus all of their efforts on who they are as half of a couple. Their identity becomes so entangled with their relationship that they no longer know who they are apart from it.

But, if you are single (even unwillingly so), you can spend time exploring your likes and dislikes, your talents and passions and even some of the spiritual gifts God may have given you. If you’re in high school or junior college being single can be a real blessing when it comes to determining which university you want to attend. I know more than one girl who changed her plans due to a guy and I often wonder if those girls ever had regrets—especially if their relationships didn’t work out.  

So, use this time to ask God who He has made you and what He has made you for. Before I ever met my husband I graduated from college, wrote two books and was walking in God’s calling on my life. In hindsight, I’m glad Michael didn’t come into my life sooner. I might have missed out on some pretty cool things if he had.

2. Being single allows you freedom to minister in ways you might not be able to otherwise. 1 Corinthians 7:34 says, “…the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband.If you think about that for a moment that’s a pretty powerful verse. It’s saying that someone in your position (singleness) has more freedom to focus on the Lord and minister to others than someone in my position (marriage).

I see this play out in my own life all the time. When I was single it was a lot easier to plan my speaking calendar. Back then I wasn’t trying to coordinate around someone else’s schedule (Michael normally comes with me when I speak and we significantly limit the amount of times a year each of us travels without the other one).

Now that I’m married my approach to ministry has changed because my marriage is one of my most important ministries. Sure I still get to write, speak and do missions work. But not with the same freedom I had when I was single. Don’t waste your singleness. Jump into serving God with everything you have right now. Invest in other people instead of wallowing in your loneliness.  

3. Being single allows you to invest deeply in other relationships. When you start dating someone—and especially when you marry someone—your relationships with other people change. Your time becomes more limited because you suddenly find yourself wanting to spend every waking minute with your significant other.

In college I had some really good girlfriends. We used to take trips together, get together weekly for coffee and share the deepest details of our lives with each other. The dynamic changed drastically when one of the girls got married and another became engaged. Our lives went in different directions. But I still keep a framed photo from one of our trips near my desk because every time I look at it I am reminded of one of the sweetest and most rewarding seasons of my life.

Had I been dating during my college years I would have missed out on some rich relationships. Those were the girls I stayed up late into the night with pondering the big questions in life.

Those are just three reasons you should take the time to stop and appreciate your singleness today.

What are some other reasons? Make a list of things you can do (or do more easily) when you are single and share them in the comments section. What are some things you are thankful for in your season of singleness?

Surrendering Your Singleness

Monday, July 27th, 2009

Sadness

I was the girl who went through high school and college without a boyfriend.

Technically, I guess I kind of dated one guy for a few weeks my freshman year of college but as a good friend put it, “We don’t consider that dating. We call that a mistake.”

My lack of male suitors even prompted some of my college friends to vote me “Most Likely to Get Married Last.” There were moments when I felt as if I would never get married. Some nights I cried myself to sleep thinking something must surely be wrong with me.

Because of that I have compassion when I receive emails from readers who write to me about the heartache they suffer as they watch everyone else pair off while they remain alone. Last week I got about a dozen of those emails.

One of them reminded me of something I wrote long ago—while I was still single—about the subject. Buried toward the back of God Called a Girl is a poem I wrote when I was nineteen entitled New Start.

This week we’re going to talk about how to deal with singleness when all we want to do is date somebody. I’ll kick off the week by sharing my poem. Hopefully it ministers to some of you today.

I come to the alter with no Isaac to bring

Just the desire to be loved and the hope for a ring

I’ve waited, I’ve worried, and I’ve failed to trust

So take from me this desire and teach me as You must

All alone before You, my heart I spill

With laughter and tears this empty vessel fill

I am looking, Lord, no longer for a man

But now to You and what You have planned

I am gifted and growing and I want to serve You

Just show me where to go and who to serve as I seek to follow through

And if alone You want me, for years to come

Isolate and teach me what is to be done

 I can’t fight You any longer, I am too weak

I am done with fool’s gold and real treasure I seek

I want You, O Lord, to put a twinkle in my eye

I want You to be my focus and not any other guy

But even as I write this, part of me holds back

Help me to see that singleness is a blessing and not an attack

Lord, help me not to feel worthless, unblessed and alone

Help me to throw my cares at the foot of Your throne

As You want me to wait, Lord, please put a hold on my heart

Help me not to give it away to someone who will tear it apart

As I lay my desire down at your feet

Help me to be honest and my promises keep

Help me in loneliness to focus on the cross

And when I feel left out, help me count it as loss

I don’t want to struggle; I am too tired to fight

Help me to keep on and do what is right

Remove from me this jealousy and replace it with joy

Fill my thoughts with You, O Lord, instead of a boy

On the alter of sacrifice I place my desire

And I ask, Lord, right now that You’d burn it with fire

Please accept it, O Lord, for it is all I have to give

Help me to let go of this bondage and truly live

Take all of me, Lord, even when I am opposed

Help me to trust in You, the One who always knows

On my knees I fall, with tears on my face

And I ask, Lord, only that You’d meet me in this place

Altars are for bloodshed so, Lord, here’s my heart

Take it from me now and grant me a new start  

How do you deal with unwanted singleness? What are some verses you cling to when you feel all alone? If you are no longer single, how did God use your years of waiting to prepare you for a shared future with someone else? If you’ve written a poem or a prayer about your unwanted singleness feel free to share it below.

Blog Announcements

Saturday, July 25th, 2009

newspaperThose of you who are blog regulars might be a bit surprised to see a Saturday post, but I wanted to draw your attention to a few things without breaking the flow of last week’s Q&A posts.

1. You can now subscribe to the blog via email and have it delivered right to your inbox each time I post. There’s a subscription box in the sidebar to the right (Facebook readers click here to see it). This should make it easy for you to forward some of your favorite posts to your friends and pass them around. But I would still love for you to stop by the blog (or my Notes on Facebook) and comment. Your feedback–insights, personal stories and other comments–are why I blog. And I don’t want to lose that interaction.

2. Starting Monday the blog will be switching to a M, W, F schedule instead of the M-F format you’re used to. I’ll be doing this for three reasons: a) So I can keep up with writing the blog, b) So you can keep up with reading the blog and c) So I can actually write about all of the wonderful topics you’ve asked me to write about. (Keep new ideas coming!)

3. Next Thursday I’m heading to the She Speaks conference in North Carolina so I won’t be able to respond to comments and Facebook messages as quickly as I normally do. But I will respond when I can–so keep commenting and interacting with each other in my absence. One of my favorite things about the blog is watching you interact with each other in your comments.

That’s all. Happy Saturday!

Fan Mail Friday: Spiritual Gifts & Unattractive Guys

Friday, July 24th, 2009

You’re probably wondering what spiritual gifts have to do with unattractive guys. Nothing. In this episode of Fan Mail Friday I answer two questions about entirely different subjects. Those happen to be the subjects.

Now, I want to add a disclaimer to this video. It was my first time using my new camera and the software that came with it. So, this video isn’t absolutely stunning. My angle is a little crooked, the transitions are a bit choppy and for some reason there’s a popping sound when I talk that wasn’t there in the raw footage.

I’ll work on all of those things. Hopefully, these videos improve with time. Your questions are also a huge part of whether Fan Mail Friday is a failure or a success. So don’t be shy. Send me your questions at fanmailfriday AT beingagirlbooks.com (replace AT with @). You can ask me about anything–writing, the Bible, personal questions or any topic you happen to be curious about.

Right now I plan to post a new Fan Mail Friday vlog on the 4th Friday of each month. But if I get more questions than I can answer in one vlog, I’ll expand to doing Fan Mail Friday twice a month. Really, it’s up to you.

So, enjoy and have fun with it!

(If you read this blog via RSS, email or Facebook and you can’t see the video, pop over here and check it out!)

Lessons from a Freeway Blowout

Thursday, July 23rd, 2009

call for help

This week I got an email from a reader who asked: Is there anything new that God has taught you lately that might be able to help me in any way? I love questions like that and I don’t get them very often.

Most of the time people write to me with very specific questions (which I also love). A question like this has to be answered with a story.

Lately I’ve been pretty stressed out. I’m juggling multiple projects and trying to meet deadlines, squeezing in a few minutes with my husband between his crazy school and work schedule and navigating tumultuous waters otherwise known as relationships with other people.

Monday morning was a bit hectic. I got up early and ran to my computer to put the finishing touches on my writing curriculum for the class I was teaching that day and had only minutes to spare to get myself ready and in the car. When I got to class I realized I was talking fast because my brain had been moving at warp speed all morning. So I settled down and managed to make sense as I talked about how to write a strong compare and contrast essay.

When I hopped back into my car an hour later I had three errands to do before coming home and finishing work for the day. As I was driving down the freeway fantasizing about the ice cold Vanilla Coke Zero waiting for me when I got home, a loud noise interrupted my thoughts. Suddenly, I couldn’t steer my car anymore and a loud thumping noise let me know that I had blown a tire…in the fast lane. Cars were swerving left and right to get out of my path and I did the best I could to get off of the freeway without killing anyone.

Once I was off the freeway I turned down the first street I could find and called AAA. Within minutes they sent a driver who put my spare on and I took my car straight to the mechanic. It all happened so fast that I didn’t think too much about it. But both the tow truck driver and the mechanic mentioned that I was lucky when they saw the damage sustained by my tire—my new tire with less than 1,000 miles on it.

 I didn’t run over anything. My air pressure wasn’t low. But both sides of the tire looked as if they had been riddled with bullet holes. Everyone who saw it was expecting some spectacular story that involved major damaged to my car. But there wasn’t one. My car was fine. I was fine. When my husband saw the tire he looked like he had seen a ghost.

As I looked at his face I suddenly realized how fortunate I was that I wasn’t lying in a mangled heap in a hospital or a morgue. I was going 70 mph (the speed limit) when my tire blew and I clearly remember not being able to steer my car. Had there been more cars on the freeway I could have easily gotten into an accident—and at that speed things are never pretty. But I walked away completely unharmed.

This week I had a major reminder about the sovereignty of God. God is in control. My life isn’t steered by me even on my best days.

Psalm 115:3 says, “Our God is in the heavens; He does all that He pleases.”

And Proverbs 16:9 reminds us “The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.”

When was the last time you were reminded that you aren’t in control of your own life? How can you learn to stop fighting God for control when you don’t agree with His methods? Why is it comforting to know that God is in control and you aren’t?   

How Can I Stop Comparing Myself to Other Girls?

Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009

Two women holding bags with clothes hanging in backgroundToday’s Q&A Week question is one of my favorites: how can I stop comparing myself to other girls?   

The best answer to that question is buried within the pages of Genesis 29 and 30, in the story of Leah. I’ll summarize it for you here. But I highly recommend you read it yourself.

Although the Bible doesn’t tell us whether Leah’s middle was too plump, or her chin was too pointed, or her face was always covered in huge oozing pimples, it does tell us she was anything but pleasant to look at. Simply put, Leah was ugly. She was so ugly in fact that her father had to cover her face with a veil in order to trick someone into marrying her.

Envision standing at the alter on your wedding day knowing that the man you are marrying really thinks you are someone else. Imagine the heartbreak that came to Leah that night when Jacob discovered the truth and ran to her father insisting that her sister Rachel become his wife too. She did not even have the spotlight on her wedding day. There was no tender exchange of personalized vows, no deep look of admiration.

There was no celebratory kiss as they were pronounced husband and wife. If anything, there was a shriek of horror in the bridal suite when Leah’s identity was revealed. Can’t you hear Leah’s heart breaking?

She only wanted to be loved. For once in her life Leah did not want to come in second place. Ugly and unloved—that’s not a good combination. Especially when Miss America is your sister—and you share the same husband. It was probably safe to guess Leah spent more nights alone than Rachel did. Leah was probably forgotten. She was the wife Jacob never wanted. And because of that I am sure Leah lived a life she never wanted. But Jacob’s unwanted wife was the one who bore him Judah. From Leah’s womb came the son that established the lineage from which the Messiah would come.

She may have been Jacob’s unwanted wife, but she was God’s chosen daughter. Funny isn’t it, that God doesn’t care about gene pools and that He chose the ugly daughter to be in the blood line of His Son? I guess some things really are less important than we think. In our eyes it is the girl with the blonde highlights and the French manicure that has worth. It’s the prom queen or softball captain that has value. It’s the class president who matters to everyone else.

But that’s not how God works. God likes the ugly sisters, in fact God even loves the ugly sisters. He thinks they’re beautiful. And let’s be honest, at one time or another we have all felt like the ugly sister or the lame sidekick of a best friend.

There’s hope for those of us who feel less than beautiful. God has a place reserved for those of us who always wind up at the end of the line and the bottom of the list. He specializes in using those whom the world has cast aside, and those most people forget about the moment after they meet them.

Leah’s role in history became pivotal in the lives of people she would never meet. This simple girl who probably spent most days feeling as if she wouldn’t be missed if she just up and left, became a valuable piece in the puzzle of God’s plan for bringing the world a Savior. What an incredible thought!

So, how do you stop comparing yourself to other girls? Simple. You remember Leah’s story. The sister that Jacob rejected was the sister that God chose. You have no need to compete with other girls. God has a story for you that’s uniquely your own.

What are some ways you tend to fall into the comparison trap? When are you most vulnerable to comparing yourself to other girls? Did it surprise you to learn that Leah—the ugly sister—was in the lineage of the Messiah?

Can I Still Be Pure If I’ve Already Lost My Virginity?

Tuesday, July 21st, 2009

crying with friendIn my line of work I get to meet a lot of teenage girls, all with different backgrounds and stories. Many come to me for advice. A few come to me believing they are beyond help. Sexual sin is a huge problem among teens—even Christian teens—yet when I meet someone who struggles in that area she usually comes to me feeling as if she’s the only one wrestling with this particular sin. I always assure her that’s not the case.

The question I want to answer in today’s Q&A week post is “Can I Still Be Pure if I’ve Already Lost My Virginity?”

The Lord can restore those who have fallen into sexual sin just like He can restore those of us who fall into other kinds of sin. It’s what He went to the cross for. Psalm 51:7 says, “Wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.” And that is what the Lord does for us when we repent. He washes us whiter than snow.

He cannot go back and give us the purity we gave away, but He can make us pure from this day forward and give us a second virginity of sorts. If you are reading this post in brokenness, ask the Lord for forgiveness and ask Him to make you whiter than snow.

Confess your sin before Him, and leave your past behind you. Go to a parent, youth leader or another trusted adult and ask for their help to make the necessary changes in your life. You will need accountability if you want the changes to last. I know you may feel ashamed to be honest with someone else about where you’ve been and what you’ve done, but if you are repentant God is not ashamed of you and your sin. Psalm 103:12 says He takes our sins and moves them as far away from us as the east is to the west.

Be honest. It doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences for your actions. But God can restore you. Many girls think their parents are going to be livid when they tell them what they’ve done. I’ve heard from a lot of moms who have found out their daughters lost their virginity and every single one of them has wanted to know how she can help her daughter heal and be restored. I’m sure anger and sadness are emotions a parent will feel when you come clean, but your parents ultimately love you and will want to help you through this time.

Change will be necessary as you seek to find a renewed sense of purity. If you are in an impure relationship, get out of it. Don’t feel like you have to stay with someone just because you gave them your virginity. Do not stay in a situation that is both tempting and harmful. If you’ve already had sex with your boyfriend and you are both repentant and want to stay together it is going to be very difficult for you not to fall back into sexual sin. You will need serious accountability—and you will need the support and counsel of your parents and a youth leader. Do not try to get through this on your own. You will be setting yourself up for failure.

Perhaps your brokenness comes from being the victim of a sexual crime. If you have been raped or molested in your past, please know that I am so sorry. God does not look on you as impure or unclean. In His eyes you are still very much a virgin. Please do not condemn yourself for circumstances that were beyond your control. Let the Lord heal your hurts and make you whole again. Walk boldly in the knowledge that you are still very much pure in His sight. If this has happened to you, I strongly suggest you get counseling from someone in your church so you can talk through the pain this experience has caused you. Things like this are always easier when you have someone to talk openly and pray with.   

If you’ve fallen into sexual sin, turn to God and repent today. Let today be the first day of your second virginity.

Have you heard any testimonies (without sharing names) of someone God has restored after a season of sexual sin? Are you in a season of a second purity? If so, how have you watched God work in your life since you repented and turned back to Him?

Recommended Resource:

Seduced by Sex, Saved by Love: A Journey Out of False Intimacy by Jan Kern

 

What If You’ve Broken the Rules for Guarding Your Heart?

Monday, July 20th, 2009

daydreamingIt’s Q&A Week here on the blog! This week I’ll focus on answering questions I’ve received from you over the past few weeks. Monday-Thursday I’ll answer in traditional post form, and on Friday I’ll post the first Fan Mail Friday vlog. So, keep your questions coming!

A few weeks ago I did a series here on the blog about guarding your heart in guy/girl relationships. Shortly thereafter I received this question via my Facebook inbox: “What happens if you have broken all of the rules for guarding your heart?”

This is a good question because I think we’ve all been in this situation at least once in our lives. The short answer is that you start over. It helps if you have a friend who also wants to start over and you are willing to hold each other accountable.

 That means you don’t let each other talk about your crushes, read into their actions, or speculate about what might be. You need one person who can speak into your life and say, “Hey! Would you talk about your brother like that?” You also need a friend to pray for you about changing your focus in your friendship with the guy friend you keep obsessing about.

Galatians 5:23 says that a Christian who bears fruit will exercise self control. Self control means that you are simply controlling yourself–your mind, your actions, your words, your thoughts, etc…

Think about your thoughts the same way you think about driving a car. Someone has to steer a car that’s in motion, right? Well, when you are thinking your mind is in motion but you have the power to steer your thoughts in whatever direction you choose. So, stop letting yourself think about your guy friend in a way you wouldn’t think about your brother.

Don’t replay his last conversation with you over and over again in your mind. He said ‘Talk to you later.’ Does that mean he’s going to call me? Should I charge me cell phone?

Instead think about something else. It can be anything—the latest movie you watched, your Algebra homework, the book you are reading, etc…If you find it hard to think of another subject on the spot then have something else to think about pre-planned for your moments of weakness.

Pick a memory verse. Every time your mind wanders and you find that you’re not guarding your heart mediate on the verse instead.

1 Corinthians 10:13 talks about no temptation being too much to handle because God is always faithful to provide a way of escape. That means, when your emotions become so overpowering that you think you just can’t help but gush about your crush and read into his actions there is still a way of escape. You can consciously turn your mind to other thoughts and prevent yourself from talking about your friend in a romantic way.

Have a friend you can call that will help get you back on track. In high school, my friend Ruby was a life saver for me in so many ways. When she and I finally got smart and decided we were going to guard our hearts we were always just a phone call away when the other person needed us. Most days just having her say, “Stop thinking of him like that. He’s not thinking of you like that,” was enough to get my mind on a different track. She spoke the truth to me in love. For that I’ll always be grateful.

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else guard your heart.” That means it should be priority number one.  

What are some ways you can consciously steer your mind in another direction? What are some things you can think about instead of daydreaming in a way that doesn’t guard your heart? How can a friend keep you accountable to your newfound commitment to guard your heart?  

Related Posts:

We’re Just Friends…Or Are We?

Guarding Your Heart in Guy/Girl Friendships

You Are Worth the Chase

The Difference Between Being Friends and Being “Just Friends”

7 Reasons to Consider Dating

New Feature: Fan Mail Friday!

Friday, July 17th, 2009

Promo Photos 2009 003I’m really excited to introduce a new monthly feature to the blog. From now on, the fourth Friday of every month will be known as Fan Mail Friday on my blog.

Here’s how it works. All month long you can send questions to fanmailfriday AT beingagirlbooks.com (replace AT with @–I’m just trying to avoid spammers). You can ask me about anything–the Bible, friends, dating, topics in any of my books, writing or my personal life, etc…

It can range from funny to serious. Have fun with this–the more fun you have, the more fun we’ll all have!

Each month I’ll read through the questions and select a few and answer in a video post here on the blog and on my Facebook page.

Next friday is the fourth Friday in July, so I’ll post the first video then. In the meantime you can email me your questions or you can post them in the comments section of this post.

Don’t be shy. You can ask me anything (although, I always reserve the right not to answer questions I feel are too personal).