As we close out this week’s series, I want to point out 7 reasons that dating is more beneficial—than remaining “just friends” with someone. Then I want you to chime in and share your closing thoughts on this week’s topic too.      

1. One benefit of dating someone rather than remaining “just friends” is that you know exactly where you stand with him. There is no guessing about whether or not he is still interested in you. You have a commitment. Intentions are clear.

2. In a dating relationship you always know the attraction is mutual. There is no middle man as there often can be in “just friends” relationships.

3. Having open communication is also a benefit of a dating relationship that may not be present (and often isn’t) in “just friends” situations. If you are not able to talk about your feelings openly with each other, you have no business being in a relationship where there are feelings that are not platonic.  

4. With dating, your parents are aware of your relationship and you don’t need to hide things from them and sneak around. There is something about relationships that happen out in the open that make them less suspicious to parents and well meaning youth leaders. If you’re not trying to hide a relationship it becomes less threatening to your well being in their eyes. Obviously you need to talk with your parents about where they stand on dating before you find yourself attached to someone of the opposite sex. And whatever their stance is, it also has to become your stance until you move out from under their roof or they change their minds. Deuteronomy 20:12 tells us to honor our parents (and yes, step-parents are included). That means we have to adhere to their rules even when we don’t agree.  

5. In addition to your parents knowing the actual depth of your relationship with your significant other, all of your friends will know as well. And with that knowing will come accountability, and that is something none of us can have too much of.

6. In dating, issues regarding boundaries and purity usually are (and should be) addressed up front and in the beginning. A couple decides together whether they will kiss or not kiss, whether they will hold hands or not hold hands, and other similar things. These conversations are necessary. People who are prone to being in “just friends” relationships are also prone to allowing themselves to get too physical in those friendships as well.       

7. Many Christian teens have made solemn vows not to date non-Christians, yet they are willing to allow themselves to engage in “just friends” relationships with those same people. Getting your emotions tangled up with those of an unbeliever will set you up for nothing but disaster. And you may find yourself compromising your own morals or walking away from your own faith as a result of this “just friends” relationship.

 I want to hear your closing thoughts. What are some benefits you see to dating? Are there disadvantages too? What have you learned this week? What have I missed?

Other posts in this series:

We’re Just Friends…Or Are We?

Guarding Your Heart in Guy/Girl Friendships

You Are Worth the Chase

The Difference Between Being Friends and Being “Just Friends”

Being friends with a guy and being “just friends” with a guy is not the same thing. Here are three ways you can tell the difference between the two:

1. Friends usually have mutual interests—they have something in common that they are both focused on that draws them together. For instance you can have friends from a sports team, friends from youth group, and friends in some of your classes at school. In those cases your mutual interests or common ground would be your sport, your faith or your class. The focus in these relationships is usually external—outward. You and your friends are doing something, pursuing something or experiencing something together. These are healthy types of relationships to have.

But when friends move to being “just friends” the interest usually shifts from a common interest to a person—each other. Although common interests may still be a factor, each friend (or at least one of them) finds him or herself completely enamored with the other. This isn’t healthy and even a small crush can quickly grow into a full fledged obsession. In true friendship everyone still remains an individual—even though there is a sense of being a group. In a “just friends” relationship it is no longer about the group or the individual, instead it becomes about the “us.”

2. Friendship is inclusive. It’s about including everyone in your group and leaving no one out. It’s like a party—you don’t just send an invitation to one person. You send invitations to everyone hoping to have a packed house. Friendship is that packed house. But when you move to being “just friends” you no longer want your house packed. Suddenly you want to be alone over a candlelit dinner with only one person.

When you find yourself wishing everyone else would leave the party, you have come to a place in your friendship where you aren’t really only friends. You are now friends (or a friend, depending on if the attraction is one sided or not) who want(s) more.    

 3. Perhaps one of the best ways to measure friendship is to determine how your relationship deals with distance and time. For instance, think of summer vacation. How does that affect your friendship? If it is a true friendship, long periods of time can pass without it causing any friction in the relationship.

Sometimes, in the case of “just friends” relationships, long lapses of time cause one person’s heart to wander and they move on to someone else. Or it can cause angst for the one sitting around waiting for a phone call. That’s part of the problem of being in friendships where the focus in on an individual and not the group. Without the commitment of dating, the friend you have a special friendship with is free to set his or her eyes on someone else when you are absent.

Being friends and being “just friends” with someone is not the same thing. True friendship is based on common interests and a shared focus, while people who are “just friends” tend to focus on each other. Real friends invite others to the party, while “just friends” try to send everyone else home early.

Friends treat each other with mutual respect and affection, while “just friends” relationships seem to be heavily one-sided. Honesty is a hallmark of true friendship, whereas game playing marks most “just friends” relationships. And real friends continue to communicate honestly and grow together when distance enters the picture, while “just friends” usually grow apart without talking to the other person about it.

What are some other ways real friendships differ from “just friends” relationships? Are you willing to share an example from your own life (you can change names for privacy)?

Other posts in this series:

We’re Just Friends…Or Are We?

Guarding Your Heart in Guy/Girl Friendships

You Are Worth the Chase

Tomorrow’s Post–7 Benefits of Dating

After yesterday’s post you may find yourself thinking, Well, if I am not supposed to read into signals how am I ever supposed to know if he/she likes me?

Simple, run in the opposite direction and see if he chases after you. A guy who is afraid of losing you will come after you and will make his intentions clear. A dating relationship should start with the first date. If you’re not old enough to date, then wait until you are. Relationships that don’t require guys to make any real sort of effort almost always end in heartache. If you always hang out in groups there isn’t any type of real commitment. You’re not really dating. So if he decides he doesn’t really like you in that way anymore he doesn’t really need to break up with you—instead he can simply turn his attention to someone else in the group.

I once knew a sixteen year old girl who was ecstatic about the diamond heart necklace her seventeen year old boyfriend bought her. When I asked her how he paid for it since he didn’t have a job, she admitted his dad actually paid for it. It was no surprise to me when he started to treat her like dirt shortly after giving her the necklace. The gift conveyed a false sense of value to my friend. It was expensive, but it really meant nothing to her boyfriend since he didn’t have to pay for it himself.

If you do not make a guy work to win your heart in the beginning, he never will. He will not work hard for something he already has. Do not give your heart away to a guy who is not willing to put in any effort. You are worth fighting for. Make him fight for you—if you do he will realize the value of the prize he is getting in you. Anything worth getting is worth fighting for. Don’t make it easy for a guy by always being available to hang out, or by constantly manipulating the circumstances so you can “run into” each other. Let him miss you—and pick up the phone and call you as a result.  

When I first met my husband I made a conscious effort to avoid reading into things, and I tried to avoid most situations that would make it easy for him to see me. I was only around sporadically, and as a result he was intrigued—and he called and asked me on a date because he wanted to get to know me. Granted, I was 22 by the time I met him so things were different for me then than they were when I was in high school. But the same concept still applies. I thought I was someone worth chasing—turns out my husband did too!

Guy/ girl relationships are complicated. Unfortunately they only get more complicated as you get older. So learning to navigate through them while guarding your heart—and the hearts of those around you—is vital to your survival. The younger you learn these lessons the better off you’ll be.

What am I missing? What are some other ways you can know if a guy truly likes you without reading into things? Are there times when it might not be best to run and see if he chases you?

Other posts in this series:

We’re Just Friends…Or Are We?

Guarding Your Heart in Guy/Girl Friendships

Tomorrow’s Post–Guarding Your Heart in Guy/Girl Friendships

Let’s face it. We all send signals. Some are intentional—like when the weird kid in your biology class seems to take a liking to you and you want him to buzz off. Others are a bit more unintentional—like increasing phone time with a friend of the opposite sex that you view like a sibling. Most “just friends” relationship disasters end poorly because someone sent signals they didn’t mean to send and the other person misinterpreted their intentions.

For instance I can remember far too many high school moments that began with, “Do you think he likes me? I mean he held eye contact with me for over fifteen seconds.” What a nightmare! I can’t tell you how many broken hearts my friends and I set each other up for due to reading into signals that either weren’t there, or were sent unintentionally.

Having someone look at you does not mean he is in love with you, or even that he likes you as more than a friend. Saying hi isn’t the same thing as a marriage proposal. Yet so often we treat it like it is. When you run in the same circle of friends, or you happen to be at every church service someone else is at, a relationship is bound to form. But it isn’t always a romantic relationship. All too often we read into things, making them into more than they really are, and we wind up paying dearly for it.

Wires get crossed and mixed signals get sent because a guy may like you—just not in that way. So, how can you guard your heart in relationships with your guy friends?

1. Don’t ever let yourself fall in love with someone who is “just” your friend. Wait for him to pursue you before you give your heart away.  
2. Don’t let yourself daydream and imagine what life would be like if you were dating the friend you have your eye on.
3. Don’t talk to your friends about how attractive your particular friend is.  
4. Don’t view that friend—and all of his actions—through the lens of romance and not the lens of friendship.

Once these things happen you have crossed the threshold of risk and your heart is on the line whether your friend knows it or not—and many times everyone knows it. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.”

What are some other things you can do to guard your heart in guy/girl relationships? How can you prevent yourself—and your friends—from reading into signals that just aren’t there? What signals might you be sending to someone else without even realizing it?   

Other posts in this series:

We’re Just Friends…Or Are We?

Tomorrow’s post–You Are Worth the Chase

It’s not just dating relationships that can break your heart. Sometimes it’s the almost dating relationships that hurt worse. You know the ones I’m talking about. You have this friend—or at least you call yourselves friends—you talk to him on the phone for hours, you let him pay when you guys go out. You flirt with each other. Go everywhere together—perhaps you even go as far as calling yourselves “best friends”—and then one day the relationship is just over.

No explanation, no warning. It’s just gone. And you are left feeling used, confused and broken hearted. It happens to guys and girls alike. Chances are all of us have been on at least one side of an un-dating relationship, or we know someone who has. 

The difference between dating and un-dating is found in having clearly defined intentions. Un-dating relationships usually happen quickly. You suddenly find yourself with instant feelings for one of your friends. But there never seems to be a point that can later be classified as the moment things began to change.

“Well, it just sort of happened,” most people will say. But the primary danger of being in a relationship with no definitive starting point is that there usually isn’t a definitive ending point either. That’s why these relationships simply dissolve without warning and sometimes even without words. Suddenly one person stops calling, or the other suddenly seems too busy. It’s an unofficial break-up for an un-official couple.

This can be devastating. Because two people who are “just friends” usually seem to have the same mutual friends, and now those friends are forced to choose sides or someone (usually the one who got dumped) gets left out.  These blurred friendships can also lead to strained relationships with your parents. I received an email from a girl explaining her situation:

I have a really great friend named Rick. We’re the best of friends and even dated a little, it wasn’t exactly dating it was just being extremely close best friends. I’m not allowed to date until I’m seventeen and I respected my parents for that decision, but apparently not enough. They thought I was going over the limits and deceiving them when I started to talk to Rick more than usual. We text messaged each other and said ‘I love you’ to each other but just as friends realizing since we are young we can’t really have those stronger feelings quite yet…

[My parents thought] I was deceiving them about me and Rick’s relationship and [they] really flipped out and cut off all contact. For a while I wasn’t able to talk to any of my friends, I was fine with that, but now they are grounding me from youth rallies and Bible camp…

I feel horrible about the separation and have secretly been keeping some slight contact with him so that he doesn’t think I’ve dropped him completely and so that he knows I’m still his friend. I don’t know what to do though…

Don’t get me wrong. My heart broke for this girl. But her first mistake was made in the opening line of her email: “We’re the best of friends and even dated a little, it wasn’t exactly dating it was just being extremely close best friends.”

You’re either dating or you’re not. There is no in between. People who think there is always get their hearts broken. This week we’ll talk about how to have clearly defined relationships so you are never left wondering if you’re just friends or something more.

What about you? Have you had your heart broken by a “just friends” relationship? What dangers do you see in these types of relationships? What are some ways you can avoid those dangers?

Tomorrow’s post–Guarding Your Heart in Guy/Girl Friendships