I will never forget my friend Cyndi’s eighteenth birthday party. Her boyfriend, Mark, showed up with a promise ring and a dozen roses. Cyndi was ecstatic and I was jealous.
For the next four years I listened to her talk about their future as if it was both sure and steadfast. Her sentences started with “When Mark and I get married…” and they ended with something resembling happily ever after.
Imagine my shock four years later, post-college, as I sat across from Cyndi in a quaint Thai restaurant as she dropped a bomb on me when I asked my usual, “So how’s Mark?”
“Actually,” she said sipping her water slowly. “We broke up.” Her sentence hung in the air for a good few minutes as I tried to comprehend what had just happened. If Cyndi and Mark were no longer CyndiandMark then my world had just been turned upside down.
“What happened?” My mouth finally formed the words my heart had been screaming for the past few minutes. And for the next several hours I sat silently chewing on mushy noodles and nodding every now and then as Cyndi proceeded to tell me how her dreams fell apart.
As she spoke I noticed three fatal flaws in their relationship that, if avoided, could have saved them from wasting four years of their lives on the wrong person and from spending the next several years getting over the trauma of it all.
The first thing that stood out to me about Cyndi and Mark’s relationship is how it began. One day we were all just friends hanging out as a group—living, breathing, and eating as a group would be more like it—and the next day there was a couple in our midst. Cyndi and Mark had been secretly pairing off for a months before the rest of us knew about it. Truthfully, when I found out they were dating I was shocked.
And they weren’t just dating, they were seriously dating. In the beginning it was hard to get used to. Mark had instantly gone from being everybody’s brother to being Cyndi’s boyfriend.
Their relationship began in secret. Most things that begin in secret don’t end well. When something is done in secret it is done without the input and godly counsel of others who may be able to see something that those of us who are in a circumstance can’t see.
Now, I’m not sure if any of our friends would have really had any objection to Cyndi and Mark dating. But perhaps our youth pastor, or one of our youth leaders, would have been able to caution them against the intensity with which their relationship began.
Proverbs 11:14 tells us that “in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” That means wise decisions are made by consulting other people—godly people—whom we would allow to speak the truth into our lives. Cyndi and Mark began their relationship without a multitude of counselors. They prayed and sought God together and separately before beginning to date, but they did not seek the counsel of anyone else.
This left plenty of room for their emotions to rule out common sense. And instead of being able to learn from anyone else’s mistakes they had to (painfully) learn from their own.
This isn’t a matter of age or maturity. Emotions can run wild at any age if we don’t do our best to bridle them and keep them in check. I was twenty-two when I met my husband, Michael. We were crazy about each other. I had already graduated from college and started my career, but we still sought counsel from our pastor and parents before we began dating. And as soon as we were dating we were open about it with all who asked. There wasn’t any secrecy involved. I was up front with Michael about it from the start.
“We can’t keep this from people,” I told him. “Even if we think it’s not their business. I don’t want anyone saying we started our relationship in secret.” Michael agreed.
Cyndi was seventeen and Mark was eighteen when they started dating. What we can all see in hindsight is that Mark never had any right to put a ring on Cyndi’s finger. He wasn’t in a position to back his promise up with actions. He had no intentions of getting married anytime soon. Had they sought a multitude of counselors in the beginning, perhaps someone would have seen that and spoken up…
(Come back Thursday for part 2 of this article.)
Tags: Dating, promise rings
I read this article in Brio magazine several years ago and loved it! It gave me a new perspective on staying pure emotionally and spiritually. So glad to see you posting it on your blog!
Stephanie
Hi Shannon. I have never written on this blog before, but I thought that I would take this opportunity and do it now. I know that what I’m about about to write has nothing to do with this post, but I hope that you will take the time and answer my question. A few months ago, I started this habit of praying in a certain spot that at the time I thought would provide a distraction free enviornment, but recently I have discovered that my thoughts tend to wander when I’m in that spot. also, it feels like my passion for prayer has faded as well, even though I have some very heavy topics that I am in prayer for, like a family member with cancer. So I ask your advice…do you have some tips for me?
It never ceases to amaze me how often teens and even people in their early twenties (as I am), get caught up in the “promise ring” stage. I have a promise ring, but it is my promise to GOD to stay pure until I am married.
That’s the best promise!
One time at Bible study, a couple of the older ladies (who are sisters) were talking about the several different promise rings that one of them had gotten when she was younger. None of the guys that had given her the rings actually married her, but they seemed to not see anything wrong with it. The reason they were discussing all this was because one of my friends had gotten a promise ring. Since that time, I have read this article and it further strengthened my view that promise rings don’t really promise anything except pain. I am not going to wear a ring from any guy until I wear an engagement ring! Thanks so much, Shannon!
Well, a promise is a comfort to a fool (anonymous). No human can make a promise and not break it, at least sometime in life . God alone can make his promises and keep them. If we are going to make a promise to God , the Holy Spirit can help us maintain it.
It is so wise that if a boy and a girl are going to be in a serious relationship it should not be kept a secret. It would be very wise if they get godly counsel.
I’m seventeen and single. When the time comes for me to date again i’ll keep this in mind.
I am so glad that you girls are learning the art of guarding yourselves both emotionally and physically! Purity rings (that are signs of your commitment to God stay pure) are GREAT! I’m glad that some of you have made that commitment!
Hi, Tay!
I am so glad you stopped by and left a comment on the blog. Your question is a good one. It can be so easy to get distracted when we are praying. Here are a few tips that might help you:
1. Try listening to one or two worship songs to ready your mind and heart before you start your prayer time. I have a special “worship” song list on my i-Pod that is a great edition to my quiet time. This can be a great way to rid yourself of distractions and get your mind focused.
2. Try using the ACTS method when you pray. Begin with Adoration and praise God for who He is. Read a psalm (like Psalm 100) and thank Him line by line for who He is. Then move to Confession and be open and honest as you ask God to reveal any sin in your life and your repent of it. After that, move on to Thanksgiving and thank God specifically for some things in your life that you are grateful for. And finally, move on to Supplication where you make your requests for yourself and other people.
I’ve found that using that system/format to pray helps keep me focused as I move step by step through the process.
Hopefully those things help. If you have any more questions please feel free to ask me (either here on the blog or via email).
Hi Shannon!
Great post, I really love the topic. I hope you’ll write more on these kind of relationship topics soon, because I really would like to know some godly views on this topic. I’m confused between conflicting opinions of don’t date til you’re ready for marriage, dating is perfectly fine, etc etc. It’s all quite overwhelming, but again, thank you for posting on your blog about these topics. It’s very helpful.
I also have an off topic question. Do you believe that all music that a godly person should listen to should be Christian (or at least with very clean, good messages) or does it matter?
Thanks again.
Hi, Laura,
I’m so glad you are encouraged by what you read here on my blog. I will definitely plan to write more relationship articles, but in the meantime check out the “dating” section on the blog and you can read all of my past posts on the topic too.
Your question is a good one. Personally, I listen to Christian music and non-Christian music. But I did go through a phase where I only listened to Christian music. Since Philippians 4:8 tells us to think about whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is of good report…I think we have a responsibility as Christians to choose our music wisely. If something is filled with profanity or sexual innuendos it becomes hard to think about whatever is true, lovely and good. So, use that as your guide when you choose music. I hope that helps!
Thanks, Shannon!
Also, I have a couple more questions if you don’t mind. =)
I know God has the “one” for me out there, but how do I know if my feelings are clouding up my judgement? How do I know the difference between my feelings and God’s will for me? I want to wait for my “one” but I also don’t want to miss out if he’s hanging around here already. Your opinion? =P
Thanks again!!!
I really enjoyed this post and came here to read the second part. I thought you said it’d be up tomorrow so I was kind of disappointed. But I’ll be here again tomorrow.
Deb
Debra: I’m so sorry! It will be up tomorrow for sure
I’m glad you are so excited to read it.
Laura,
If a godly and mature young man is interested in a woman he will seek the Lord and pursue her accordingly. The great thing about being a girl is you don’t have to contemplate whether or not someone is “the one” until he pursues you. If he doesn’t pursue, then he’s not the one. In the meantime, I suggested creating a list of no more than 5 qualities someone you want to marry must have, and no more than 5 qualities he can’t have. Then, every time a guy pursues you pull out your list and see if he measures up as you get to know him.
1 Corinthians 7:34 says an unmarried woman’s aim is to be devoted to the Lord. So focus on that for now. Continue to grow in godliness and use your gifts–God will bring the right person at the right time. I hope that helps!
Shannon, thank you so much for taking the time to write back to me. It means a lot to be able to actually “talk” to one of my favorite authors. I really like your idea about the “worship songs playlist”. That is a really good idea and I think it will help me a lot. Again, thank you so much for taking the time to give me advice.
Also, do you have any suggestions for songs that I would put on my worship playlist? Thanks!
Good question, Tay!
Some of my current favorite worship songs are:
Glory to God Forever by Steve Fee
Walk by Faith by Jeremy Camp
You Never Let God by Matt Redman
Restore to Me by Glory Revealed
In Christ Alone by Bethany Dillon
Give Me Jesus by Jeremy Camp
I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin
That should be a good start. If anyone else wants to chime in, I would love to hear your suggestions.
Thanks Shannon! That really does help.
Also, a great song for worship is “What Faith Can Do” by Kutless. Really beautiful lyrics, they always make me feel so uplifted. Also, “Only Hope” by Mandy Moore (originally by Switchfoot, but Moore’s version is much softer and sweeter).
Laura
Laura,
I’m glad that helped. And thanks for your song suggestions. I’m going to check those out on i-Tunes today