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My personal stance is that a promise ring is a waste of time. It’s an unnecessary step on the way to the alter. Until a guy is ready to put an engagement ring on your finger, don’t let him put anything else on your finger.
A promise ring allows a guy who is not in a position to make a real commitment to you to make a lesser commitment and thus a mini-marriage is born. The two of you begin talking about what life will be like when you get married, and what you will name your children. In a way, you begin to play house with no real grasp on how much money it really takes to run a household, how to balance a budget and how quickly college loans can add up.
Most guys I know handed out promise rings claiming, “This is just until I can save up for a real ring.” One guy I knew in college even went door to door in the dorm buildings offering to take out people’s trash for a small donation toward his girlfriend’s engagement ring. If a guy needs to save up for an engagement ring, and doesn’t have a job that will provide him with an income with which he can purchase a ring quickly, you’re in trouble.
A guy who cannot afford an engagement ring will never be able to afford real life. A promise ring is like a glaring reminder that this guy is in no way ready to walk down the aisle. You can choose to be exclusively committed to someone in a dating or courting relationship without a promise ring. And while your ring finger is free from a premature promise it might be a little easier not to begin sentences with “When we get married…”
The promise ring changed everything for Cyndi and Mark. They were no longer dating. They were “pre-engaged.” And as the years wore on and more and more of our friends really got engaged, Cyndi’s finger still boasted the simple silver ring Mark had given her long ago. And the two of them were thrust into a pressure cooker.
Cyndi began to grown insecure when people constantly asked when they were getting married. Mark just grew annoyed. And one day the pressure cooker boiled over spilling the remnants of two broken hearts and one wasted relationship. There were tears and heartache.
Cyndi eventually packed up all of her Mark memories and stored them away in a box. Mark said good-bye and packed his bags and moved somewhere new. And for the first time in four long years both Cyndi and Mark were free to explore who God made them to be outside of the confines of a premature relationship.
When she was twenty-one Cyndi got to do what she had never allowed herself to do at seventeen: explore who God made her to be. Her gifts and talents began to come alive at this point. She joined a small group and made some of the greatest friends ever. For the first time she understood what “girl time” really was and she enjoyed the fact that she didn’t have to check in with a boyfriend if girl time went later than scheduled. My heart danced as I watched her get her master’s degree and land her dream job.
For the first time she got involved in ministry on her own as she began teaching a Sunday school class, and she also started digging deeper in her quiet times with God. Verses rolled freely from her lips, and she seemed far more sympathetic than she had ever been when she talked with people who were hurting.
Her pain had birthed a new compassion in her. And God’s voice seemed to be clearer to her than it had been in the past. And Cyndi grew into one of the sweetest and most genuine Christians I have ever known. Mark, on the other hand, has played the prodigal son. His relationship with the Lord seems sketchy at best these days. He took his freedom to explore to places he really shouldn’t have, proving to all of us that he and Cyndi really never were meant to be.
Two weeks from today there is a date circled on my calendar with little hearts drawn next to it. My husband and I are going to Cyndi’s wedding—and Mark is not the groom. Four years after her devastating break-up, and eight years after Mark first slid a thin silver band onto her ring finger, another man—the right one—got down on his knee and proposed. And when Cyndi said yes he slid a beautiful diamond—backed with a genuine and mature promise—onto that very same finger. They set a wedding date for eight months later.
For a long time after the break-up, Cyndi left Mark’s ring on. She later admitted to me that she feared she might never meet someone else. But there came a time when she was ready to trust God and take it off. And it wasn’t until she was ready to remove the promise ring from the wrong guy that the right guy came along and put a forever ring on her finger.
Are promise rings premature? I think so. My only two friends who ever wore them married someone other than the guys who gave them those rings. Ironically, both of those guys who were “so spiritual” and gave their girlfriends promise rings eventually walked away from the Lord entirely. Because of Cyndi’s experience I never wore a promise ring. Instead, I waited for a guy with a real diamond and a real promise to back it up. And because of that, I don’t have any regrets.
(This article first appeared in BRIO magazine.)
Tags: Dating, promise rings
Were you ever offered a promise ring? If yes, how did you get the courage to turn him down?
Elin,
That’s a good question! When my husband and I were dating he left to study abroad in Israel for four months. Before he left he asked me what I thought of the concept of promise rings and we were able to have a really good discussion about it. We felt our relationship was headed toward marriage, but we both also felt that promises rings were an unnecessary step. I think it would be easier to discuss this before a guy pulls a promise ring out of his pocket and surprises you (maybe even in front of other people). As you feel it’s appropriate in your relationship, try to be open and upfront about topics like this before they become an issue. I hope that helps!
What’s the difference between a promise ring and an engagement ring? Great aricle btw, Shannon!
I have heard different opinions and wanted to get yours. Is it appropriate to be in a long relationship before marriage, if you know God is calling you to be married? (i.e. waiting until both parties are graduated from college?)
Thanks!
Sorry Shannon- another question and slightly off topic- it’s so easy to love and have a tight relationship with God when one is hurting, how do you keep that devotion and love when things become easier?
Good questions, Danielle!
An engagement ring comes with an official proposal and typically comes when a couple is in a position to get married within a year (financial stability, out of high school, etc…) A promise ring is usually given when a couple is still in high school and not in a position to get married anytime soon. It’s a commitment before the real commitment so to speak. Does that make sense?
As far as keeping the love and devotion going in your relationship with the Lord when things are going well, I would try to the ACTS method of praying. The first step is Adoration–read through a psalm or two each morning and simply praise God for who He is. Connecting with God and worshiping Him for who He is and not just what He can give you is a powerful thing. Seeing God for who He is can leave you in awe. Confession is something we should all do in good times and bad.
But Thanksgiving is something we tend to overlook during the times we should be most thankful. On a daily basis stop and thank God for evidence of His work in your life and for the many blessings He has bestowed on you. And, of course, Supplication for others and ourselves can be a great way to increase our faith as we call upon the Lord and believe Him for great things.
I hope that helps!
LT: That’s a very good question. One of my best friends dated her husband for 7 years before they got married because they met when they were 14. I don’t think we can limit God when it comes to the timing of when we meet the right person, and I admire couples who wait to be done with school before getting married. I graduated before I got married, and my husband had been through Bible college. After we were married he made the decision to go back to school and pursue a business degree. The time and financial commitments of school can add stress to marriage–so avoiding that whenever possible is a good choice.
With long relationships, and any relationships, it’s important for couples to have firm boundaries, good accountability and a commitment to not acting like they are in a stage of their relationship that they aren’t (acting like you are married when you aren’t). Seek God’s will for your particular relationship and you should be fine. I hope that helps.
That makes so much sense, Shannon, thank you. So the promise ring is a commitment before a commitment. I get it
Thanks for the ACTS prayer method. I’m going to get started right away! I loved this article. Have a good day.
great post, Shannon! I have a question about making a list of five must have and must not have qualities in a man. Do you think it is important that all the qualities are seperate of each other? For example, listing compassionate and sensitive to others is kindof in the same realm. So should we think of five things like compassionate, harworking, and so on?
Do you see what I mean?
Tonya,
I do see what you mean. I think you can definitely lump compassionate and sensitive together. Being as distinct as you can with each of your five items allows you to have more things on your list
Hi Shannon it’s me again! I signed up to receieve your Bible Bites newsletter and I love it! I have used the reading plan for Proverbs for the past two days and I have another question! On the response questions, what is the difference between questions 2 and 3: “How does this apply to me?” and “What should my response be?” Thanks!
Hi, Tay!
I’m so glad you enjoy the newsletter and that you are finding the Bible reading plan helpful. You’re right. My last two questions are similar. In some cases they could be the exact same thing. But in other cases, for instance if you are dealing with worry, Philippians 4:6 applies to you by telling you not to worry. Your response would be to make your requests known to God in prayer with thanksgiving instead of worrying about them. So, in a sense, question three takes questions 2 a step further. Does that make sense?