Archive for the ‘Fear’ Category

The Danger of Playing it Safe

Thursday, October 7th, 2010

girloncouch

I used to be a person who dreamed big. Signing your first book contract when you are only twenty does that to you. Suddenly nothing seems impossible when God shows up in your life and does something you never imagined He would do.

I’ve been known to sign books, “Dream big, God does!” before scribbling my name. Two of my books tackle the topic of dreaming big. Several years ago if you would have asked me about dreaming big, I could have talked on the subject for hours.

But then life happened. Speaking contracts got cancelled because people with bigger names were willing to show up. Editors started to pass on a few of my book proposals. Things got complicated and some of my dreams were crushed in the process.

In order to cope I adjusted my expectations not realizing I was shrinking the size of my dreams and, by default, my God. I figured I didn’t need big dreams. A small, quiet, life could please God too. Or so I thought.

On Tuesday night I started reading Do You Know Who I Am?  By Angela Thomas. In each chapter she poses a question women ask and responds with a question God asks us.

Throughout the pages of chapter one, Angela begins to unpack the truth that we are all made to dream big dreams because God is worthy of the glory that will come from the fulfillment of those dreams.

She teaches on the parable of the talents (Matthew 25) and the three men who were entrusted with some of their master’s money while he was away. It’s an analogy for the gifts God has given us and how we use them on this side of eternity.

The first two turn a profit and when the master returns they are able to give him double what was entrusted to them. Sadly, the third man buried his talent and had only what the master had given him.

That parable is familiar to me. In fact, I’ve taught it several times. But Angela wrote something about that last man that caught me by the throat and shook me hard.

“The servant reported that instead of multiplying his possession, he had just kept the talent safe, but that was not the master’s intent. God wants the glory from your talents and mine” (p. 16).

Safe. That word defined my new approach to life. I didn’t want to dream big dreams and be disappointed. So I started dreaming safe dreams instead. Instead of dreaming about how God might want to use me, I began to believe that His biggest works in my life were all in my past.

Somehow I had come to believe that God’s plan for the rest of my life would be mild and quiet. Vanilla. There was to be no more risk, no more pain, no more dreaming big.

The scariest part of all of this is that I didn’t realize my thinking had changed.

I panicked as I read Angela’s book. As I began processing what she was saying I understood that I was shouting at heaven saying, “Do You know I’m afraid to dream big?”

For the first time in a long time I also understood that God was lovingly answering my shouting with a question of His own: Do you know I AM worthy?

Suddenly, my world was turned on its side. My safe plans for my life suddenly looked bland. They didn’t include multiplying anything God had given me. Instead, they were consumed with ways I could keep the things God had entrusted to me safe.

Safe. There is nothing safe about faith. You can’t follow wholeheartedly after God by making precise measurements and calculations.

At some point you have to take a risk. We all reach a point of no return. Each of us must decide if we are going to trust God or if we are going to play it safe.

Tuesday night, as my mind raced long after I shut Angela’s book and turned out the light, I decided that safe was going to become a thing of my past.

My future is going to be all about glorifying the One who is worthy. 

What about you?

Broken Dreams

Thursday, August 26th, 2010

Woman Playing Guitar

What do you do with broken dreams?

I’ve often asked myself that question—especially when I’m picking up the shattered shards of a dream that has fallen apart.

A few weeks ago, I polled my Facebook audience and asked them what topics they would like to see me write about. One theme kept recurring. Although it was worded a little differently each time, it always sounded something like this:

How do I keep going when my dreams look impossible and it would be easier to give up?

Last week, when I was in Bogota, Colombia with Compassion International, I found myself seated at dinner next to a popular recording artist who was also on the trip. We started talking about our careers and how we got started and before I knew it I was completely wrapped up in her story.

Years ago, she had signed a deal with Sony. She was on her way to the top on fast-forward. But it wasn’t long before she hit a snag. A dishonest producer and a messy lawsuit resulted in her being dropped from her label. Nobody wanted to touch her after that.

So, she packed up her bags and moved home. For years she worked from 9 to 5 and played local shows on the weekends. Every morning she woke up to the reality that life was not what she thought it would be.

Eventually, living that way crushed her spirit. In tears she found herself crying out to God asking Him to take her passion for music away if He didn’t have plans to use it. That night, for the first time, she felt free.

Within days a new door opened. It wasn’t a record deal or a promise of fame. But it was a connection. That one connection led to another connection that led to another connection until this woman was given an opportunity to pursue music again and move back to Nashville.

But first she had a house to sell.

In a miraculous turn of events, the house was sold within two weeks and there were no remaining obstacles for her return to music. And she’s been steadily climbing the charts ever since.

“I’m older than I thought I’d be when all of this happened,” she said. “It looks different than I thought it would. But I can’t believe the places God has taken me with my music.”

She looked around the restaurant at the rest of our team and the Compassion staff.

“For instance, I never thought I’d be here.” She paused. “During that time I learned that a dream delayed is not a dream denied.”

There is often a misperception that leads people to believe that those of us who have recorded an album, written a book or performed in front of a large crowd don’t struggle. Many people believe that doing something once, twice (or even ten times) means you have arrived.

I know better. Those of us who make careers out of things that other people only dream about understand that sometimes it seems like the bad days outweigh the good. We’ve cried into our pillows on more nights than we care to remember. And we’ve had to sweep up the pieces of our shattered dreams and our broken hearts.

Pursuing your dreams is risky business. It never quite plays out the way it does in your head. There are ups and downs and moments of utter despair. Yet, somehow it’s the low moments that prepare you for the high ones. It’s the brokenness that lays the foundation for success. It’s not seeing your dream fully realized that drives you to keep trying until you do.

If there’s one thing I’ve come to understand about those who succeed when it comes to pursuing their dreams it is this:

Success doesn’t always come in direct proportion to your measure of talent. Sometimes, success comes to those with the fiercest determination to never give up.

So, put your actions behind your faith today and take one step—one single step—in the direction of your dreams.

Sometimes, that’s all it takes.

Lord, Guard My Scars

Thursday, May 20th, 2010

cryinggirl

A few weeks ago I found myself facing a potentially awkward (and painful) social situation. I thought of excuses to get out of it. But the truth was I wanted to be there. In some ways I needed to be there.

Still, there were knots in my stomach as the minutes ticked away and the reality of walking into that room grew closer. So I did the only thing I knew how to do. I prayed. Just one simple phrase.

Lord, guard my scars.

Anyone who has lived into their teens or twenties has been around long enough to acquire her fair share of battle scars. Now, scars aren’t to be confused with wounds. Wounds are the injuries we bear that are still bleeding. Scars are areas where the Lord has brought us freedom and healing. But sometimes those places are still tender to the touch. They make us occasionally wince at an old memory.

I remember having major surgery over ten years ago. For the longest time afterwards I used my arms to create a physical barrier to protect my wound as it was healing. This barrier protected me when I was jostled in a crowd, squeezed too tight in a hug or just accidentally bumped by someone passing by.

As I prayed I envisioned the Lord creating a similar barricade around the emotional scars on my heart as I walked into a room full of people who terrified me.

I began to wonder if God would really do such a thing and suddenly Psalm 147:3 came flooding into my mind.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

In that moment I knew that the God who had taken great care to bind up my wounds would be just as faithful to guard my scars. And He was. The event I had dreaded so much was as painless as it could have been. In fact, it was actually fun.

All because I took time to pray a simple prayer. Lord, guard my scars.  

A Costly Yes

Wednesday, December 9th, 2009

iStock_000008962604XSmall

Harlot!  The word probably rang through Mary’s soul with such force she involuntarily shivered. She wasn’t one, in fact she couldn’t have been further from one, but that is not what other people would think. I can see her running her hands through her long dark hair and straightening her headpiece trying to calm her nerves. Did he really say I would be with child—God’s child? 

I can see Mary backing herself into a chair, running her hand down her face—not in disbelief, but in shock at what just occurred. God knocked on her door, and she answered. She didn’t even really think about it, her decision came naturally—almost as if instinct took over where emotion went numb.    

Once Gabriel left her presence, she had time to sit and ponder the things she just beheld. In just a few months her belly would bulge, and all of Nazareth would know this girl with the child growing inside of her was not married. The world was under the impression there was only one way to make a baby—only Mary and God knew there were really two.

Yes, the Jews had been looking for their Messiah for years, but they would never believe He would come through the womb of a poor girl from a low-class town.  No, the King of the world would not be born into poverty—common sense said there was no way. Ah, but Gabriel said something different and he was sent from God.

The penalty in those days for pre-marital pregnancy was being stoned to death.  Mary knew that when she agreed to be part of God’s plan. What we most often fail to realize is Mary had a choice in this whole matter. Gabriel’s words to Mary did not come in the form of a command—she had to agree to the divine offer. Mary submitted to the will of God out of obedience and out of her own free will. 

She could have said no. She could have scoffed at the offer or cowered in fear. She could have told Gabriel she would “pray about it,” and he needed to come back later. But Mary did none of those things. Mary only said yes. Now I am not saying we should always instantly say yes to ministry opportunities that arise. Some matters require prayerful consideration before decisions can be made. But other times there is no question—God is in it and we need to act.   

Mary was asked to relinquish her reputation, her honor and her very life if needed in order to answer God’s call. Think about that for a second.  Mary—who was a virgin—was asked to take on a role that would cause many to think of her as loose in her morals and worthy of death.  Insults would fly every time she stepped outside and the baby—after He was born—would be forced to endure accusations He was illegitimate. 

Would you relinquish your reputation, your honor and your life to answer the call of God? Many of us flinch when God requires something far smaller from us.

Mary’s response to God’s call for her should stand as a perfect example for those of us who are seeking to obey God in our lives today. She didn’t know all His plan would entail, she didn’t know how He would pull it off, she didn’t know what would become of her in the process—she only knew what it would cost her to obey and she didn’t waiver for even a minute. She couldn’t foresee all the blessings—she could only see the bottom line. Often, it is the same with us.     

Other people may not—and probably will not—understand the call God has on your life. Sometimes you will be asked to do things that seem crazy to other people, and you will be asked to put your all out there on the line. Just look at Mary. She had nothing going for her in the deal she made with God—except a promise no one could see but her. 

A simple yes was all it took from the mouth of Mary for God to send a Savior to the world. There is no telling what a simple yes from your mouth will do today. 

Excerpt taken from God Called a Girl. To purchase a copy click here.

When Questions Remain

Monday, December 7th, 2009

Sadness

There Mary was, completely startled by Gabriel’s appearance in her living room (or whatever room). She was troubled by the divine interruption in her life, and was unsure of what to think of the predicted outcome. How in the world was a virgin going to become pregnant—with the Son of God nonetheless? 

I can just see her standing in the presence of Gabriel, brow wrinkled in confusion, mouth agape. She probably struggled to find words to formulate her question.  Have you ever felt that way? I know I have had many moments where I felt like I needed to run and get a Q-tip and clean out my ears just to make sure I heard God right. 

In the same manner God shocked Mary with His plans for her, He delights in surprising us with radical revelations and seemingly impossible plans that leaves us standing in wonder—questioning if we heard Him correctly, and sometimes even pondering whether or not it was God’s voice we heard at all. 

God graciously allowed Gabriel to answer Mary’s first question—but I am sure there were many other questions that went unanswered in the months and years to come. And Gabriel’s answer to Mary’s first question was not even that helpful. 

“The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; and for that reason the holy offspring shall be called the Son of God,” he said in Luke 1:35 as if that really answered what she asked.

If I were Mary my next question would have been, “Okay, but how exactly is He going to do that? Will it hurt?” Perhaps it all happened so fast Mary was left speechless.  Or maybe she was just naturally less inquisitive than most of us. 

But no matter what the case was, we know God saw fit to give one small girl one very large task—and He deemed it acceptable to leave many questions lingering in her mind as He unfolded His plans and accomplished what He promised. 

Many times, frustration leads us to faith like nothing else. Recently I attended a conference requiring air travel. I arrived at the airport early just like the airline advised me to, but because of a security breach in a nearby terminal the lines were extra long and I missed my flight. 

I got a seat on a flight—four hours later—which put a big kink in my plans for the day, and I became distraught as I learned the airline could not locate my suitcase. The people at the ticket counter politely told me I would have to board the plane “having faith” my luggage would somehow meet up with me on the other side. 

As I sat on the plane looking out at the beautiful California coast below me, I thought of how that particular flight was a metaphor for my life. I had to get onboard without knowing what kind of situation was waiting for me on the other side. Many times, God leads us down dimly lit paths where we are left merely guessing about what awaits us up ahead.

When I landed and eventually spotted my bag, I had never been so excited to see my suitcase before in my life. But what about all the times when the suitcase doesn’t arrive? What do we do when God shuts doors we thought He opened? How do we deal with the uncertainty and apprehension that comes when He opens doors we never knew existed? 

We have two choices—we can live in fear or we can live in faith. There is no other choice, there is no in between.

Excerpt taken from God Called a Girl. To order a copy click here.

“I Don’t Believe in God Anymore.”

Wednesday, September 9th, 2009

SadnessLately I’ve been exchanging emails with a teen girl who doesn’t know if she believes in God anymore.

Despite her lifetime of churchgoing she’s not sure she’s ever really believed. She can pinpoint a moment when she said the sinner’s prayer, but her current doubts are louder than that distant memory.

Yesterday I threw a comment up on Facebook and Twitter asking people to share about their experiences with doubt and overcoming it. Somebody will surely be able to help me, I thought to myself. Then the comments and messages began rolling in: I have doubts too.

Suddenly George Barna’s statistic that 80% of churchgoing teens leave the Christian faith before their 29th birthdays became real before my eyes. That percentage grew faces and names in an instant. Part of me wanted to jump on a tour bus and travel the United States, pen in hand, observing America’s churches and figuring out where we are going wrong.

Why is the church only able to hang on to two out of every ten girls who walk into youth group? Those numbers literally make me sick.

Information transfer doesn’t produce a relationship, and a relationship is the only thing that will get a person into heaven and keep a person in church. Relationship with God through His Son Jesus Christ is the only thing that can change a person’s life. No amount of volunteering at church, Bible knowledge or youth group attendance is going to cut it.

Yet, week in and week out youth pastors around the nation stand before groups of your peers and throw a bunch of information at them from a book. Sounds a lot like what your English teacher, science teacher and even your history teacher do. The difference is America’s high schools have a higher success rate than its churches.

“My church is going through a dry spell but they are praying for revival,” the girl who now questions her belief in God recently wrote to me. “I doubt it will ever come.” It was then that I realized she wasn’t asking me to scientifically prove that God was real. She didn’t want me to debate evolution verses creationism. What she wanted was to feel the breath of God on her face. She wanted to reach out and touch Him.

The church is losing your peers for one reason: you want to experience God and the guys in pulpits want to talk to you about Him. This scene is as old as time. Thomas was a doubter too. You may think you have it bad because you’re a lifetime church attendee and you wonder if God is real. Thomas was one of Jesus’ elite 12—and he didn’t believe in the resurrection until he placed his hands inside of Jesus’ scars.

What was Jesus’ response to a doubter that should have known better? Was it a rebuke for his lack of faith? Was it anger over not being trusted? Was it disappointment in someone He expected more from?

Jesus’ response to Thomas was simple. Come. To the one who needed to see to believe this is what Jesus said: “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe” (John 20:27).

Over the next few days on the blog we’re going to wrestle with this issue of doubt, and we’re going to talk about the why behind the startling statistics. Let’s work this thing out together.

To those who want an experience and not a sermon, Jesus holds out His nail scarred hands and says, “Come.”

 What are some of your major questions about God? Why do you think 80% of your peers will eventually leave the church? Does this statistic surprise you? Why or why not?

Book Review: The Shape of Mercy

Wednesday, August 26th, 2009

mercyWhile at the She Speaks conference a few weeks ago, I was given a copy of Susan Meissner’s The Shape of Mercy for joining  the new She Reads book club.

I had heard great things about the book and wanted to read it for quite some time, so I was thrilled to be given my very own copy. It was literally difficult for me to put this book down.

College sophomore, Lauren Durough lives a privileged life and comes from a wealthy Southern California family. She doesn’t need a job, but desires to prove to her success-driven father that she is more than a trust fund diva. When a lavender slip of paper with a hand written job ad on it catches her eye in the English department, this story is set in motion.

Abigail Boyles, an 83-year-old retired librarian and wealthy heiress herself, is seeking an assistant to transcribe the 300-year-old diary of one of her ancestors who was wrongly accused and convicted in the Salem witch trials. Something about Lauren strikes Abigail right away and Lauren is offered the job.

As Lauren begins transcribing the story of Mercy Hayworth she begins to questions her own prejudices and selfishness, and she becomes haunted by thoughts of this young woman who was robbed on the fullness of life.

Oddly, Lauren’s complicated relationships with her roommate Clarissa and good looking guy named Raul begin to intertwine with events unfolding in Mercy’s story. All of this happens under the watchful eye of Abigail who knows more than she lets on, and is holding secrets no one suspects.   

A perfect blend of historical and contemporary fiction, The Shape of Mercy challenges readers to identify their own prejudices, snap judgments and relational weaknesses. It speaks loudly to the power of selfless love, even among conflicted hearts in less than ideal circumstances.

The Shape of Mercy is a Christian book, although it doesn’t preach. Instead, it intertwines the lives of three women from different generations as each of them seeks to find out who she is, who she is willing to love, what’s important to her and what type of legacy she wants to leave behind. Whether you prefer historical or contemporary fiction, this book will appeal to you.

I found myself thinking through the themes of this book long after I put it down. I’m a better person for knowing Lauren, Abigail and Mercy even though our time together was brief.

 I give this book 5 stars. You can purchase it here.

The 50% Factor

Friday, August 21st, 2009

fiftypercentThe other night I was reading my Bible and I came across something that really struck me in Numbers 13.

Here’s the setup. The children of Israel have been wandering in the dessert for quite some time now. They’ve seen the parting of the Red Sea, they’ve experienced manna (and even quail) from heaven and they’ve weathered the embarrassment that was the golden calf.

These people have seen God do great things for them, and they’ve witnessed the fiery anger that comes when they don’t take God at His word. And in Numbers 13:2 God speaks to Moses saying: “Send men to spy out the land of Canaan, which I am giving to the children of Israel…” (Emphasis mine).

So, Moses sends one man from each of the twelve tribes as God commanded. These men spend forty days scoping out the land of Canaan (otherwise known as the Promised Land), and they come back with a report.

In Numbers 13:27 the spies hold up large ripe fruit and say, “We went to the land where you sent us. It truly flows with milk and honey, and this is its fruit.” Translation: “What God said about this place is true.”

But in verses 28-31 they follow that statement up with: “Nevertheless the people who dwell in the land are strong…we are not able to go up against the people, for they are stronger than we.” Translation: “But God was wrong about promising us this land. He can’t give it to us, it’s inhabited by giants.”

Thus, the people ended up with 50% faith. Their train of thought went something like this: “What God said about this land is true. But what He said about it being ours was wrong. Therefore God was only 50% right.”

And God got angry. Why did He get angry? The answer is found in Numbers 14:21 partway through His speech to Moses. “…but truly as I live, all the earth shall be filled with the glory of the LORD,” God said.

The people’s 50% faith angered God because it robbed Him of His glory. You see, it’s impossible to believe that God is who He says He is while simultaneously believing that God cannot (or will not) do what He says He is going to do. That type of paradox of belief strips God of His glory and dumbs Him down to being nothing more than a dreamer or an idealist or even worse—a liar.

Faith honors God, and God honors faith. But 50% faith will never do.

What percentage of faith would you say you have? Are you able to take God at His word or do you tend to be a doubter? If you doubt, why do you think you do? Do you think it’s possible to believe in God without believing God? Why or Why not?

Are You Afraid of Failure?

Friday, August 7th, 2009

Stage

Deep down, many of us are afraid of failing. More of us are probably afraid of criticism. None of us want to be told that our dreams can’t be made into reality or that we don’t have what it takes.

I don’t think there’s a soul alive that could be more afraid of criticism and failure than me.

Yet, I work in an industry where agents and editors scrutinize your work before they decide if they want to offer you a contract and other writers publicly critique your work once it’s complete and call it a review. Just today I lost a great opportunity because I don’t have enough Facebook friends or comments on my blog.

I could have cried about it. But I didn’t. Instead I shrugged it off and went back to work on the project I’m in the middle of. If anything, the lost opportunity made me work harder to be excellent. People are watching and I’m representing Christ.

I’m no expert in overcoming the fear of failure. In fact, I’m probably one harsh comment away from my next meltdown. But there are a few things I have learned about overcoming the fear of failure. I want to share three of them with you today.

1) Understand that failure and/or criticism won’t kill you. I know someone who tried out for American Idol recently. She was turned down in two cities. Do you know what she’s doing now? Fixing the things they told her they didn’t like and planning on traveling to a third city. This friend got turned down twice. Her “flaws” and mistakes were pointed out twice.

Each time she fixed what they suggested, improved as a singer and continued toward her goal. She could have stopped in the first city and cried herself to sleep for weeks. But she didn’t. She trusted the judgment of experts and decided to grow in the process. Even if she doesn’t make the show this season, she’ll probably be a better singer from the professional critique.

2) Do things that scare you. If you never expose yourself to the possibility of failure, if you never put yourself in a situation where you can be criticized, you will probably never do anything that really matters. Last week I went to a conference for professional writers and speakers, and I signed up to be critiqued by a group of my peers. Don’t think I wasn’t terrified. I was so nervous I could hardly see straight. But I knew I would never get better as a speaker if I didn’t put myself in an environment where I could figure out where I needed to improve. So I sought out a safe place where I could get the kind of feedback I needed.

I do the same thing with my writing. It goes to a team of people I trust to honestly critique it before it ever finds its way to an editor. Every time I see an email in my inbox from someone who is giving me feedback I have to calm my queasy stomach before I can open her email. But my work is always better for it.     

3) Don’t assume that God’s plans are ruined when yours are. Psalm 138:8 says that the Lord will fulfill His purpose for each of us. That means His plans for us aren’t ruined even when our plans for ourselves are. My senior year of high school I ran for senior class president. I lost the race by a narrow margin. A few weeks later I was offered the position of yearbook editor. Instead of spending my senior year politicking I spent it up to my elbows in publishing—fitting when you consider my future.

God knew then the plans He had mapped out for me. He had to disappoint me before He could exceed my expectations. My time as the yearbook editor was part of what made me choose to pursue journalism and writing in college.

When you trust a sovereign God who has good plans for you—plans to prosper you and not harm you—like Jeremiah 29:11 tells us, then you don’t need to fear failure. God is in control. Even if you experience a few disappointments and setbacks along the way, He will fulfill His purpose for you. Of that you can be sure.

How has a past failure or criticism helped you? Explain how something that once scared you became a growing experience when you were willing to step out in faith. Has there been a time in your life where God had to disappoint your plans to fulfill His plans for you?

Are You Afraid of Getting Hurt?

Wednesday, August 5th, 2009

girlstalkingaboutothergirl

The other night I was flipping through the channels when I happened upon a new show everyone seems to be talking about: Make It or Break It. Since I used to be the receptionist at a gymnastics studio in high school, I thought I would watch a few minutes for old time’s sake. Before I knew it I was completely drawn into the storyline.

In one heated scene, Emily (one of the gymnasts) was talking with a guy who obviously had a crush on her. He encouraged her to trust her new coach and his experience as an Olympic gold medalist. Her response was classic: “In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t do trust well.”

I slightly raised my eyebrows and nodded in consent. Been there, done that, I thought to myself. How many times have you uttered the same words or something similar? Usually those words come on the cusp of a deep wound inflicted by someone we once trusted. We get hurt, we stop trusting. It’s as simple as that. Or is it?

Our decision to stop trusting people stems from our fear of getting hurt. We assume that because we’ve been hurt once before we will continue to be hurt over and over again. While setting some boundaries is a good and healthy practice, the full-on emotional shutdown many of us encounter isn’t. We need to stop and ask ourselves who it is we are no longer trusting and why.

In some cases, the fear that holds us back in new relationships can be cured by digging through our pasts and locating places where we need to extend forgiveness to undeserving people. Sometimes this is done with this person, and other times it is simply done in our own hearts.

Several years ago I was a new bride in a new city and I was having a hard time making new friends and connecting at church. I prayed and prayed about my inability to connect with others deeply, but nothing seemed to change. But then one afternoon I heard a song that quoted part of 1 Peter 2:24 which says, “He Himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By His wounds you have been healed”

The lyrics “by His wounds you have been healed” kept playing over and over again in my mind. Suddenly it dawned on me. If my sins were atoned for on the cross, the sins of those who hurt me were atoned for there too. Those who ask for forgiveness will be granted it freely in Christ.

Suddenly that evened the playing field. I wasn’t any better than those who hurt me. In fact, there was probably a list of people somewhere smarting from pain I caused—knowingly or unknowingly—in their lives. We all need the grace of God. That reality gave me the courage to move forward in new relationships.

Nobody is perfect. So, I needed to change my expectation that I could find someone who would never hurt my feelings in some regard. This experience also made me quicker to ask for forgiveness when needed, which has made some of the people I’m closest to quick to grant it, and even ask for it, when needed.   

The interesting thing for me was that the person I needed to forgive in order to move on from my fear of deep relationships was someone I no longer had any contact with. She was someone I never knew well, but she leveled a timely blow that almost ruined me. As quickly as she landed her punch she vanished from my life. Yet I was left picking up broken pieces of a person I never thought would be the same again.

The problem wasn’t even this person. It was me—I held onto the hurt and betrayal I felt by refusing to forgive her. I didn’t want to be OK, because what she did wasn’t OK. In a twisted way it was almost as if I felt like remaining hurt forever would prove her actions were wrong—even though she wasn’t there to see my pain.

Forgiving her and letting go—and choosing not to punish other people for her mistakes—opened doors for incredible new relationships for me.  

As you examine your own fear of close relationships, what wound can you trace that fear back to? Do you have unresolved issues in your own heart that are preventing you from moving forward in new relationships? Is there someone you need to forgive?