Archive for the ‘Friendship’ Category

The Circle of Mentoring

Tuesday, October 5th, 2010

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Last week I had a full circle moment. A rare set of circumstances lined up in such a way that I knew God was teaching me something specific. It was too perfect to be a coincidence.

Several years ago I was being mentored by someone who invested in me and my writing career in a way that still amazes me when I think about it.

This woman, a seasoned veteran when it came to writing and ministry, was a consistent voice of truth in my life during a season in my life where I was being bombarded with success and it was easy to lose my way. She reminded me to seek the Lord for myself instead of allowing others to tell me what He wanted me to do.

I treasured my relationship with her. She always popped into my life with a timely word at the right time. But time and distance eventually had their way in our relationship and a woman who had once been an active force in my life slowly became a faint whisper and a pleasant memory.

For years I was sad about it. I missed my friend and her influence in my life. But, for one reason or another, I never called or emailed. Instead I let the drifting grow worse.

Last week, God brought my former mentor back into my life. For over two hours I sat on the phone and listened as she poured wisdom into my life in abundance. She quoted verses and offered insight from her own experiences that answered questions I’d been wrestling with. Without being bossy, she mapped out a course for me and pointed me in the right direction and then happily sent me on my way.

Our conversation was, as she put it, like drinking from a deep well. I hung up the phone refreshed and grateful. It was as if there had never been a season of separation.

A few days later, I received a Facebook message from a girl I mentored six or seven years ago. We met weekly for an entire year. I walked her through her first heartbreak, helped her pick a college, taught her how to have a quiet time, saw her off to her senior prom and attended her graduation party.

During a pivotal season in her life I invested in her on a consistent basis. Then, one day, she graduated and moved away. Her life went on and so did mine. Time created space and eventually we lost touch. It had been years since we’d spoken. But I still thought of her often.

She emailed me to tell me she’s mentoring high school girls now. Recently she found herself wondering if what she’s doing matters. Did these girls notice her investment? Was it changing them or shaping them in some way.

I’ll let you read part of what she wrote:

“I laugh about how I don’t necessarily get much feedback from the girls and I’m always wondering if they actually are benefiting from the relationship. Of course I am biased when I look back at myself because at first glance I think I must have always told you how much I appreciated having you in my life…but then I remember my personality then and how I probably didn’t say much at all. Therefore, I wanted to write you simply to say thank you.”

As I read her words I cried. In two days time God brought two very different women back into my life. One mentored me. I mentored the other. My life was testifying to the fruit God was bearing in the first woman’s life. The second girl’s life was evidence of some of the fruit God was bearing in mine.

It left me thinking about multiplication of ministry. Someone invested in me and I turned around and invested in someone else and now she is investing her own group of girls. It had come full circle.

Life isn’t always about who we keep in touch with. Sometimes it’s about who we touch along the way.

Whose life are you investing in? Who is investing in you? How has a mentoring relationship impacted you in some way?

I would love to hear your story.

The Awkward Dance of Friendship

Tuesday, August 31st, 2010

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Sometimes life is like an awkward dance.

Right now I’m in a season of life that’s full of blossoming new friendships. In the last several months I’ve met some really great people. The kind of people I’ve been praying into my life for years.

While there’s something new and exciting about friendships in the beginning stages, there is also something unfamiliar. There’s a learning phase that comes with any new friendship.

Sometimes that learning is messy.   

The joke that goes over like a lead balloon because someone doesn’t get your humor

A misunderstanding that occurs over a short text message

An email that goes unanswered for days due to busyness and nothing more

Words that were meant to encourage that somehow sliced open an old wound instead

Occasionally I walk away from conversations and wonder: Did that person get a good glimpse of who I really am?

That’s a hard question to answer. We are quirky people. And every one of us comes with a personal history that helps us understand why we do and say the things we do.

Unfortunately (or is it fortunately?) newcomers don’t get the file full of our history. They can’t read our actions and hear our words in the way people who have lived some of that history with us can.

So we bumble and bump our way through new relationships hoping that grace will cover our flaws and at the end of the day our new friends will still pick us.

There is something risky about friendship. Putting yourself out there again and again can be tiresome. Inviting new people into the authentic places of your life isn’t natural. It takes work.

The longer you live the more work it takes because the sacred places of your heart have been trampled by people you once welcomed with the same gusto and hope you now extend to those who have just entered your life.

Forgiving people in your past becomes the key to unlocking new friendships in the present. Realizing that you are an imperfect person who also needs forgiveness is what gives you permission to forge ahead into the messiness of new relationships.

These friendships are difficult to navigate because they come with a high level of expectation. This time we’re hoping that maybe—just maybe—we can be perfect. We’re often hoping the same of another person too.

When we get bummed, and our toes get stepped on, or we unintentionally elbow somebody dancing along right next to us, the dream of being perfect comes crashing down around us.

The romance of new friendship is lost.

But the familiar rhythms of doing life with somebody who really knows you begin to set in. New friendship evolves into true friendship.

And suddenly the dance doesn’t seem so awkward after all.

Lessons From an Introvert

Monday, August 9th, 2010

iStock_000008962604XSmallFourteen. That’s what the number on the back of my nametag said at the women’s retreat I was attending at my new church. I knew it represented either a group number or the opportunity to win a door prize.

Desperately I was hoping for the door prize. Send me home with a flower, a book or even a cute bracelet. But please, oh, please don’t make me talk to strangers.

I am an extreme introvert. Just going to the retreat and rooming with five women I was still getting to know was a big step for me. The thought of being put into a small group with even more new women was something I thought would surely kill me.

When they announced it was time to play a game I immediately began looking for the exits. Nobody else moved. If I got up and walked out it would have been obvious. Inwardly I groaned. The game was called Fast Friends and I would have to sit in not one but three small groups and chat with strangers that night. My first stop was group fourteen…

To read the rest of this post head on over to She Seeks.

Accidental Words from an Unlikely Person

Monday, August 2nd, 2010

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The end of this summer will mark five happy years of marriage for me. Unfortunately, for some of my friends this is not the case.

While I’ve been busy domesticating myself by doing things like burning my arms while trying to attempt cooking feasts fit for kings, decorating and cleaning a house, and kissing a super cute guy goodnight every night some of my friends have been asking difficult questions, looking to heaven with tear filled eyes and wondering when it’s going to be their turn.

While my heart breaks for them, I can only imagine their pain. I can’t relate to it. By the time I was twenty-three I was married. So, I often keep my mouth shut when the topic of singleness comes up and one of my single friends needs to vent.

If there’s one thing I don’t ever want to be it’s the married friend who offers simple platitudes instead of genuine empathy when it comes to serious matters of the heart. Maybe this is because I was the token single girl in my group of friends during high school and I never want to make anyone else feel the way I felt then.

So, for the last five years, I have kept my feet from treading on the holy territory of my friends broken hearts. I’ve listened with patience and cried with them, but I have not opened my mouth to offer trite sayings or even advice. Aside from the rare occasions where I was actually asked for such input, I have succeeded in avoiding topics where I felt like my two cents didn’t belong.

Until (you knew that was coming didn’t you?) I found myself in Starbucks a few weeks ago talking with a new friend who is exactly my age, in a similar profession and desperately wishing she was married. I quietly sipped my chai latte and watched the summer rain fall outside as I listened intently not just to her words but to her heart.

Something in the soul of this friend needed to be encouraged and without even realizing it I found myself offering a small piece of advice from my experience. She looked at me wide eyed almost like I’d slapped her.

“I’m so sorry,” I quickly began to back pedal. “Married Girl should shut up. I know.” Inwardly I chided myself for my lack of sensitivity.

“No, no,” she went on. “That is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you for sharing that with me. I don’t feel alone anymore.”

Now it was my turn to look at her wide eyed.

Had I been keeping my mouth shut when I had encouraging words to offer for the past five years? Was I missing out on an opportunity to minister to other people because I was afraid it wasn’t my place to speak up?

These thoughts honestly hadn’t crossed my mind. James 1:19 admonishes us to be quick to listen and slow to speak, and I think there is a tremendous amount of wisdom in not always having something to say. But there are also times when we are to share a little piece of our stories with someone even if our circumstances look completely different than theirs.

2 Corinthians 1:4 says God comforts us so we can comfort others. Is there a piece of your story that could offer comfort to someone else? Have you been holding it back out of fear of feeling unqualified?

Be on the lookout for people who may need the words God gave you to share. Even if their lives look completely different than yours step forward in faith and share them anyway. You never know the difference it will make.

Do you have a story about how you have encouraged (or been encouraged by) an unlikely person? If so, I’d love to hear about it.

She Seeks: An Interview with My Friend Krystal

Thursday, June 24th, 2010

Kris and Shannon.jpegThis is Krystal (this picture is circa 2006 in case you were wondering why my hair is blonde). We’ve been friends since 1987 when we met in a Sunday School class at a small church neither of our families stayed at for long. Sometimes I think God led us all there just so Krystal and I could be friends.

Together we survived acne, high school and a road trip on which one of the girls traveling with us insisted on sleeping on a pool raft (I should blog about that some time). 

In 2005 she stood beside me when I got married and I was there to witness her nuptials a mere year later. Our conversations over the years have progressed from Barbies to boys to which of us is going to have kids first. She’s the closest thing I have to a sister and I love her like family. Even though we live two hours apart we get together once a quarter at our favorite Mexican place (where we both always order the cheese enchilada special) and catch up.

Yesterday was our summer lunch date and since I knew I had a vlog post for She Seeks due today I thought I’d change things up a bit and interview Krystal instead of talking to you myself (you already have 20 minutes of video of me this week–that’s enough, right?). The topic this week at She Seeks is not feeling like you are enough–pretty enough, smart enough, good enough…you name it.

Krystal has an interesting story from high school about a time other girls made her feel like she wasn’t enough. Now, more than a decade later she works as a school counselor with junior high and high school students and she uses her story to encourage others.

Today, she’s using that story to encourage you. So head on over to She Seeks and watch what she has to say. Then leave a comment for her over there to let her (and me) know you stopped by.

Cracked Foundations

Friday, June 11th, 2010

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I’m sitting here this afternoon thinking about cracked foundations. Probably because there is a tile repairman downstairs ripping up parts of my kitchen as we speak. You see, three years ago when Michael and I bought our house the previous owners hid a crack in the kitchen flooring from us until the sale was final. When we found it and confronted them they refused to pay for the repair.

We eventually let it go and prayed it would never be a problem. We’ll throw a rug over it, we thought. After all, that’s what the previous owners did. Everything was fine until we had one of our notorious California earthquakes. After that the crack began to spread until six tiles were cracked and the problem began to seep out of the kitchen and into the dining room.

The problem had grown to a place where we could no longer ignore it. It would no longer fit conveniently under a rug. When we had Ed (the tile repairman) out to give us a quote last week he told us something he confirmed today: the tile was cracked because the foundation of our house had cracked and the person who originally laid the tile hadn’t put a protective sealant down to prevent the tile from cracking right along with the foundation.

How like life, I thought to myself. And relationships. Sometimes we build relationships right on top of cracked foundations. If I can just hide these cracks, we think to ourselves, I can pretend they aren’t there. Everything is fine until something shakes the foundation and it is proven faulty. The cracks in the foundation result in cracks in the relationship. Sometimes they are repairable. Other times they aren’t.

What are some faulty foundations we can build relationships on? Here’s a short list:

▪We want someone cool to like us so we lie about our likes and dislikes to fit in.

▪A cute guy begins showing us attention so we try to appear as someone we’re not to keep him interested.

▪Our friends at school think being a Christian is lame so we tell them we only go to church because our parents make us.

▪We aren’t allowed to attend certain types of parties so we lie to our parents and say we are spending the night with a friend so we can sneak out and go.

Cracked foundations. Dangerous ground. It’s all just a matter of time before those cracked foundations get rocked and more damage is done.

The thing about a cracked foundation is that it’s a broken foundation. We can’t expect a broken foundation to sustain weight and pressure. When life happens broken foundations only become more broken—unless we put the time and effort it to actually fix the problem instead of trying to hide it.

Right now I can hear Ed working away on fixing my kitchen floor. By tonight it will look brand new. The cracked foundation will be sealed off and new tiles will be laid on top of a protective coating that should prevent the broken foundation from damaging the tile. I will still have a crack in my floor—but it will be a treated crack. A healed crack of sorts.  

What about you? Do you have any cracked foundations in your life that need repairing? Do you have some relationships in your life that you may need to rethink? Are there new relationships you are in the process of building that need solid foundations?

I would love to hear your story.

It Was Just a Text Message

Tuesday, March 9th, 2010

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It was just a text message. Or so she thought when she sent it.

My best friend from high school and I grew apart years ago. In college we chose different majors, made new friends and she had a serious boyfriend who took a lot of her time and attention. There was no major falling out. Life just happened and we went our separate ways.

About a year and a half ago we met up for coffee and got caught up on each others lives. But we don’t live close anymore, or go to the same church, so once again life just went on and took us in different directions.

A few weeks ago, out of the blue, she text messaged me to tell me she had a dream about me and that she prayed I was well. I received the message in the middle of a horrible day when a battery of tests resulted in some not so great news from my doctor. I quickly typed out a reply with my thumb and told her how timely her text was and why I could use her prayers. In my hazy fog of fear I must have also told her the date of my next doctor’s appointment. But I don’t remember doing that.

Last week I woke up on the dreaded morning when I was supposed to go in and meet with a surgeon (eek!) and found that I had a text message waiting for me. It was from that same friend. She wanted me to know she was praying that all would go well at my appointment.

I hadn’t told many people about what I was facing, so the thought that a friend—and old friend who had been through the good, the bad and they ugly with me once before—was praying for me brought me a great deal of comfort.

I felt more peaceful as I got ready and went to my appointment. The news was better this time. To the doctor’s amazement my condition looked to be improving without surgery. He scheduled more tests but held off on what had previously been mandatory surgery.

When I got home that night my phone buzzed again. My faithfully praying friend wanted to know how the appointment went—she really had been praying for me all day. When I text her back with the encouraging news I took things a step further and invited her to coffee.

Having her pop back into my life in a moment when I really needed a friend made me realize how grateful I was for all of the times she had been there for me before.

When she picked up her phone to send me a message that’s all it was—a few simple words to an old friend she didn’t talk to often.

But to me it was so much more. It was the breath of fresh air I needed in the midst a trial that felt like it could suffocate me. It was a reminder of good times and a friendship that carried me through both triumphs and heartaches in seasons past.

To me it was a reminder that even though people don’t love you perfectly in life, those who truly love you don’t ever stop.

Is there a text message or an email you need to send today? Do you need to pick up your phone and make a call? Don’t wait. It might mean more to the other person that you think.

The Blessing of Good Girlfriends

Friday, January 15th, 2010

New Year'sI laid in my bed that night, almost one year into college, and sobbed my eyes out. Because my roommate, Rachel, was sleeping only a few feet away I had to keep things quiet so she wouldn’t wake up and ask me what was wrong.

The truth was I didn’t know how to explain it. Tears spilled in silent rivers down my cheeks for most of that night.  

For the majority of the school year I felt lost and aimless. Floating from group to group I hadn’t established any deep relationships. I felt alone and isolated and scared.

On this particular night I was almost certain that I was in the wrong place. Maybe Biola University wasn’t where God wanted me. Things sure hadn’t panned out like I planned.  

In desperation, I did the only thing I knew how to do. I said a prayer. That night I asked the Lord to give me a reason to stay at Biola if that was where He wanted me. Otherwise, I would begin exploring other options for the following Fall. The very next day my phone rang and I was offered a part-time job as a secretary in the Student Missionary Union on campus.

Weeks earlier I had applied for the position, but since it was one of the most coveted jobs on campus I knew my chances were slim. When the call came I knew God was answering my prayer. But I still didn’t know just what was coming.

Later that week, I attended an orientation for new staff members and enjoyed meeting some of the other girls I would be sharing my position with. Jessi and Heidi were both different from me, and didn’t have a lot in common with each other, but they seemed fun just the same. We made plans to grab coffee on campus to get to know each other better.

What started as a one-time thing grew into a weekly Saturday night meeting at Starbucks that lasted an entire year. Jessi and Heidi and I went on trips together, did Bible studies together, constantly left encouraging notes for each other, and built into each other’s lives in a truly unique way.

Jessi moved away and got married at the end of our first year as friends, but the emails, the occasional weekend getaways and the friendship remained. When I got married in 2005 both she and Heidi were in my wedding.

This New Year’s Jessi and her husband flew down to spend a few days with Michael and me. And Heidi drove down with her serious boyfriend so we could all meet him. As I sat and laughed with these friends over old memories and recent happenings we were filling each other in on, I realized that these two girls have always been a symbol of God’s faithfulness to me.

They were the reason God gave me for staying at Biola when I was ready to leave because I was lonely. They were the people who stood by my side and supported me when I made the most important commitment of my life. And nine years after I met them, though life had taken us all down different paths, they were the people sitting beside me as I rang in a new year full of unknowns.

Lately I’ve been flooded with emails from girls who feel just as lonely as I did on the night I cried myself to sleep in my dorm room. Many of you write to me to tell me you don’t have many friends, and you don’t have any real friends at all. My heart breaks when I read your emails because I have been there before.

I encourage you to ask God to bring you a friend in 2010 that will still be your friend when we ring in 2020. And don’t limit Him in His answer. Don’t look for someone who is just like you. Instead, be open to finding a friend who can teach you things about yourself that you might not know. Look for friends who will point you toward God and His Word when life brings questions that are hard to answer. Ask God for a friend who will very much be “Jesus with skin on” for you in this season of life.

In the comments section today let’s talk about unexpected friends or great life-lessons we’ve learned from some of the people God has placed in our lives. I want to hear your friendship stories. So give a shout out to some of your BFFs and then let them know what you wrote about them so they can be encouraged!

Having Compassion

Monday, September 28th, 2009

African children

A few weeks ago I was having a rough day. I felt like nothing I was doing was making a difference. I was discouraged. By the time my husband came home from work I was nearly in tears.

He walked in the door holding a green sheet of paper and when he saw me he began reading aloud. Within seconds I knew what he was doing—he was reading a letter from Issouf, one of our sponsor children through Compassion International.

 Issouf wrote to us with excitement—he wanted us to know our prayers had been heard and he passed his primary school exams. Once the summer in Burkina Faso was over, he would be moving on to secondary school. That might not be big news to a child in America, but for Issouf it meant everything. Because school fees are extremely high in most impoverished nations, many children are not able to go to school.

Several years ago Issouf lost his father to AIDS, and he and his younger brother are raised by their mother and grandmother who are only sometimes employed. School is a luxury Issouf is able to take advantage of through Compassion’s child sponsorship program. He regularly writes to us to tell us about his grades and how hard he is working because he knows he is only in school because he has a Compassion sponsor.

I was so proud of him as Michael read me the letter. Then I noticed that something was stapled to the back. It was a photo of Issouf and his mother with some large bags of corn and rice and a few cooking utensils.

In his letter, Issouf went on to thank us for the recent monetary gift we sent. What he wrote next put me in tears:

 “This gift will help us overcome this rainy season hunger.”

Hunger. When I was hungry this afternoon I drove to Subway. But on the other side of the world, when a child goes hungry, he or she goes to bed like that. Yet it doesn’t have to be that way.

Children like Issouf and their families are going to bed full and satisfied because of people just like you. A simple gift of $38 a month is enough to provide food, clothing, medication and education to a child in need. That’s less than $1.25 a day.

For some people that’s one less trip to Starbucks a week. To others, it’s one less meal out. If you’re a teenage girl it might mean taking the money from one babysitting job a month and sending it to the other side of the world. Or it might mean getting three of your friends together so the four of you can contribute $10 each a month to collectively change the life of a little boy or a little girl.

Michael and I began sponsoring Issouf and a college student named Robert (who I will tell you about on Wednesday) in 2006 and the relationships we have built with them through our letters are priceless. The way I see it, I have two African brothers. I hope to meet them in person one day. But even if I don’t, I know that my life is making a difference in theirs each month.

Will you join me in my quest to make a difference in the lives of impoverished children by sponsoring a child through Compassion today?

When Your Friends Stop Believing

Friday, September 18th, 2009

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Please tell me I’m not the only one who has been talked into going somewhere with a friend that I probably wouldn’t have gone on my own.

Last weekend my husband and I wound up at the symphony with two of our good friends. Don’t get me wrong. I like classical music. But I don’t love it. Hearing it live is probably not something I would have suggested we do on a Saturday night. But we wanted to see our friends and that is what they wanted to do, so we went. And we had a good time.

Sometimes going with the flow is good in relationships. I’ve sat through more than a few movies that weren’t my favorite. But there are times that going with the flow isn’t a wise choice—especially when your friends begin to doubt God’s existence and slowly lead you away from a faith that was once rock solid (or seemed like it anyway).

I get emails all the time from girls who used to believe—and “still might”—but now their friends don’t believe in God anymore so they just aren’t sure. It’s especially troubling for a girl when the person who no longer believes played a pivotal role in helping her establish her own faith.

When I was in high school my youth pastor’s wife had an affair with the dad of some students in our youth group. My husband’s youth pastor was removed from his later post as a senior pastor due to an undisclosed scandal involving some teenage girls. You don’t have to convince me about how traumatizing it can be when someone you once respected leaves the faith or makes a huge mistake. I know it’s devastating. And it creates questions.

This is why knowing what you believe is so important. Barna Research states that 80% of churchgoing teens leave the Christian faith by their 29th birthdays. If that’s true, I would surmise that the majority of churchgoing teens don’t know what they believe, which makes it easy to stop believing later on. You need to learn what the Bible says, but you also need to see it at work in your life.

I can’t provide all of the answers here for you on the blog (although I try to help you work through things in bite sized chunks). So I want to suggest a few things that will help you stand firm when friends and leaders waiver:

•Get plugged in with a small group this fall. If you don’t have a youth group you are part of, email me and let me know where you live and I will help you find one.

Sign up for my FREE email newsletter. Although it provides a host of features, one of my favorite things about it is the Bible Bites column where I give you one verse to read each day and three questions to ask yourself that will help you apply and remember it.

•Use an actual Bible study in your quiet time. There are tons out there. But you might be interested in my True Life Bible study series. Each book centers on the life of a biblical teenage girl: Leah, Hagar or Miriam. This series aims to teach you how to apply the Bible to the daily drama of real life.

•Read one of the following books: Experiencing God: Youth Edition, The Case for Christ: Youth Edition, Do Hard Things

It’s one thing to follow a friend to a movie or concert that might not be your taste. It’s another thing to leave a God who loves you just because someone else leaves Him. Experience God in relationship and know what you believe and why.