Archive for the ‘Friendship’ Category

Book Review: The Shape of Mercy

Wednesday, August 26th, 2009

mercyWhile at the She Speaks conference a few weeks ago, I was given a copy of Susan Meissner’s The Shape of Mercy for joining  the new She Reads book club.

I had heard great things about the book and wanted to read it for quite some time, so I was thrilled to be given my very own copy. It was literally difficult for me to put this book down.

College sophomore, Lauren Durough lives a privileged life and comes from a wealthy Southern California family. She doesn’t need a job, but desires to prove to her success-driven father that she is more than a trust fund diva. When a lavender slip of paper with a hand written job ad on it catches her eye in the English department, this story is set in motion.

Abigail Boyles, an 83-year-old retired librarian and wealthy heiress herself, is seeking an assistant to transcribe the 300-year-old diary of one of her ancestors who was wrongly accused and convicted in the Salem witch trials. Something about Lauren strikes Abigail right away and Lauren is offered the job.

As Lauren begins transcribing the story of Mercy Hayworth she begins to questions her own prejudices and selfishness, and she becomes haunted by thoughts of this young woman who was robbed on the fullness of life.

Oddly, Lauren’s complicated relationships with her roommate Clarissa and good looking guy named Raul begin to intertwine with events unfolding in Mercy’s story. All of this happens under the watchful eye of Abigail who knows more than she lets on, and is holding secrets no one suspects.   

A perfect blend of historical and contemporary fiction, The Shape of Mercy challenges readers to identify their own prejudices, snap judgments and relational weaknesses. It speaks loudly to the power of selfless love, even among conflicted hearts in less than ideal circumstances.

The Shape of Mercy is a Christian book, although it doesn’t preach. Instead, it intertwines the lives of three women from different generations as each of them seeks to find out who she is, who she is willing to love, what’s important to her and what type of legacy she wants to leave behind. Whether you prefer historical or contemporary fiction, this book will appeal to you.

I found myself thinking through the themes of this book long after I put it down. I’m a better person for knowing Lauren, Abigail and Mercy even though our time together was brief.

 I give this book 5 stars. You can purchase it here.

What Do You Do With What Threatens You?

Wednesday, August 19th, 2009

workoutA few years ago, my friend Sarah Bragg released a fabulous book entitled Body, Beauty, Boys: The Truth About Girls and How We See Ourselves.

As I was rummaging around in my garage a few weeks ago, I discovered three giveaway copies that I never gave out. So, today is your lucky day.

Three people who comment on today’s post will be chosen by a random number generator and will receive a free copy of Sarah’s awesome book. You must comment no later than midnight on Saturday, August 22nd to be entered in the contest.

In Body. Beauty. Boys. Sarah said something that really stuck out to me: “Make a habit of celebrating publicly what threatens you privately.”  Wise words we could all do good to live by. In my interactions with Sarah I have seen this practice to be true in her life. Her authenticity is part of what makes the statement so profound.

What about you? If you are anything like me, I am sure the last thing you want to do when something someone else does threatens you is go out and celebrate it. But why is that? What is so hard about celebrating other people and their success?

Because of things as simple as getting an “A” on a test or getting asked to the prom, people turn on us. And we turn on them. We act as if someone else’s good news is our bad news even if their good news really doesn’t affect us much at all.

We don’t just want to be our best. We want to be the best. And if someone else is at his or her best, it doesn’t matter if we are at our best too. Their best threatens our best and we freak out.

You might be reading this thinking that you can relate more to being the one who gets turned on rather than the one who turns on others. But I would venture to say that all of us have spent a fair amount of time on both sides of the equation.

So this week do something to change that. Celebrate publicly what threatens you privately. And don’t be fake about it. That cancels out the whole thing. If your friend scores higher on a test than you do, then genuinely congratulate her—even if she is being a brat and gloating about the whole thing.

Other people’s actions and reactions are not our responsibility, but we are accountable for ourselves. So even when others choose to do you wrong, take it in stride and respond by doing what is right.

And remember, someone else’s success is not a personal attack on you. It’s simply his or her way of living life the way it was meant to be lived—at his or her best. So instead of getting emotional about it, raise the bar in your life and go out there and live life at your best too.  

What threatens you privately? How do you normally handle the things that threaten you? What can you do this week to publicly celebrate the success of someone else?

She Speaks Lesson #2: Positive Affirmation

Wednesday, August 12th, 2009

groupThe most terrifying thing I did at the She Speaks conference was sign up to be part of a speaker evaluation group. First of all, I’m an introvert and going and speaking at events is scary enough. But purposely putting myself in a situation where I would be evaluated on my abilities as a speaker took a lot of faith for me. When I first met the fabulous Karen Ehman, my evaluation group leader, I was put at ease. She was friendly and warm and she openly described herself by saying, “I’m a Paula not a Simon.”

I spent two sessions with the women in this group. On Friday night we each shared a three-minute portion of our faith journeys and on Saturday afternoon we each had five minutes to teach from a passage of Scripture. For the last six years I’ve been speaking in 30, 45 and 60 minute increments so condensing my talks into those bite sized nuggets was more difficult than I initially thought. But it was so much fun to see the diversity in the room. We’re all trained, professional, speakers from a variety of backgrounds and reaching distinctly difference audiences.

Our group consisted of a Canadian radio DJ, several women’s group speakers, a woman whose current passion is digging wells in Africa, a musician and a college biology professor who wants to start preaching. Since we were all evaluating each other, and being evaluated by Karen, I wasn’t sure what type of environment to expect. Would there be a spirit of competition in the room? Or would it be a positive and safe place to come for constructive feedback?

The level of encouragement in that room truly amazed me. Each of us was there so we could become better for the kingdom of God, so we gave honest feedback but we all managed to do it in a gentle and loving way. I had no idea that the fact I move around when I talk could be perceived as pacing in smaller settings. These women pointed that out to me. Another woman used visual aids that seemed to distract from her message, and we were able to let her know.

I really appreciated the honesty and sweet spirit of the women in this group. Many of them said things to me like, “Your calling is evident.” A few asked how they could order my books or have me come speak at their church. There was no element of competition among us. We all recognized that with each of us ministering in our own unique way more people would be reached with the love of Christ.

By the end of the conference I realized that the thing that scared me most about going to She Speaks turned out to be one of my favorite parts of the weekend.

Have you ever found yourself in an environment where you were positively affirmed in God’s calling on your life? Why do you think it’s easier to respond to constructive yet gentle feedback than it is outright criticism? How can a spirit of unity in your area of ministry greatly impact the kingdom of God?

She Speaks Lesson #1: Unexpected Friends

Monday, August 10th, 2009

Cracker BarrelMy heart was so full last week that it was hard to process all God was doing. But I think I’m finally ready to share a little bit about my time at the She Speaks conference in North Carolina two weeks ago.

As I gorged myself on delicacies like friend okra and chicken and dumplings—with a tall glass of sweet tea—God reminded me that sometimes the best friends pop into our lives in unlikely ways. Annie picked me up at the airport, and like any good Southern girl drove me straight to Cracker Barrel so I could finally eat at one. The story of how I met Annie is unique. Several years ago she was freelancing for the now defunct Radiant magazine and she called me to conduct an interview about the Being a Girl…series.

During the course of the interview we realized we had a lot in common, and since Annie was an aspiring writer she asked if we could keep in touch. Of course, I said yes. Emails turned into phone calls, and then phone calls turned into visits. Annie’s been to my house in California twice and she played hostess to me when I first got to North Carolina. She’s a fulltime writer with an awesome agent now, and a blog you definitely have to check out. Although I don’t get to see her that often, I’m grateful to have Annie as a friend because she understands the craziness of a writers’ life and she’s always there to pep talk me when I need it or to pass on valuable info—she’s the one who told me about the She Speaks conference in the first place.

Sarah and ShannonAnother friend who came into my life in an unlikely way is Sarah. I first met Sarah through her writing. She was one of my students in the Christian Writers Guild program. Instantly I was mesmerized by Sarah and her way with words. During the three years I worked with the CWG I only got to meet three of my students in person, and Sarah is the only one I’ve met twice.

I first met Sarah last year when she and one of my other students, Hannah, drove a few hours out of their way to connect with me at a speaking event I had in their native state of Ohio. It was a short visit—but I loved connecting with the two of them and their moms. When Sarah entered a writing contest to win a scholarship to the She Speaks conference I held my breath and prayed. I knew she was an incredibly gifted writer and I was really hoping she would win—and she did!

So, on Thursday night Sarah and her mom met me at the hotel and we went to dinner. It was so great to sit and talk with Sarah about what she could expect at the conference, and where she planned to go with her writing. I connected with her again numerous times throughout the conference and was able to watch her in action as she interacted with other authors and got some really valuable advice. Sarah will be a novelist someday. I have no doubts about that.

A writer’s life can seem lonely on most days. I have an office in my house and some days the only person I see is my husband. I can work an entire day in my pajamas doing what I love. So, it was really refreshing for me to start my time in North Carolina among friends whom I love dearly. Overall, being at She Speaks made me feel like I really wasn’t that far from home.

What about you? Has God brought unexpected friends into your life? What’s the craziest way you met someone who turned out to be a great friend? What’s your favorite thing to do with a friend you don’t get to see that often? Take some time and stop and thank God for the unexpected friends He has brought into your life.  

Are You Afraid of Getting Hurt?

Wednesday, August 5th, 2009

girlstalkingaboutothergirl

The other night I was flipping through the channels when I happened upon a new show everyone seems to be talking about: Make It or Break It. Since I used to be the receptionist at a gymnastics studio in high school, I thought I would watch a few minutes for old time’s sake. Before I knew it I was completely drawn into the storyline.

In one heated scene, Emily (one of the gymnasts) was talking with a guy who obviously had a crush on her. He encouraged her to trust her new coach and his experience as an Olympic gold medalist. Her response was classic: “In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t do trust well.”

I slightly raised my eyebrows and nodded in consent. Been there, done that, I thought to myself. How many times have you uttered the same words or something similar? Usually those words come on the cusp of a deep wound inflicted by someone we once trusted. We get hurt, we stop trusting. It’s as simple as that. Or is it?

Our decision to stop trusting people stems from our fear of getting hurt. We assume that because we’ve been hurt once before we will continue to be hurt over and over again. While setting some boundaries is a good and healthy practice, the full-on emotional shutdown many of us encounter isn’t. We need to stop and ask ourselves who it is we are no longer trusting and why.

In some cases, the fear that holds us back in new relationships can be cured by digging through our pasts and locating places where we need to extend forgiveness to undeserving people. Sometimes this is done with this person, and other times it is simply done in our own hearts.

Several years ago I was a new bride in a new city and I was having a hard time making new friends and connecting at church. I prayed and prayed about my inability to connect with others deeply, but nothing seemed to change. But then one afternoon I heard a song that quoted part of 1 Peter 2:24 which says, “He Himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By His wounds you have been healed”

The lyrics “by His wounds you have been healed” kept playing over and over again in my mind. Suddenly it dawned on me. If my sins were atoned for on the cross, the sins of those who hurt me were atoned for there too. Those who ask for forgiveness will be granted it freely in Christ.

Suddenly that evened the playing field. I wasn’t any better than those who hurt me. In fact, there was probably a list of people somewhere smarting from pain I caused—knowingly or unknowingly—in their lives. We all need the grace of God. That reality gave me the courage to move forward in new relationships.

Nobody is perfect. So, I needed to change my expectation that I could find someone who would never hurt my feelings in some regard. This experience also made me quicker to ask for forgiveness when needed, which has made some of the people I’m closest to quick to grant it, and even ask for it, when needed.   

The interesting thing for me was that the person I needed to forgive in order to move on from my fear of deep relationships was someone I no longer had any contact with. She was someone I never knew well, but she leveled a timely blow that almost ruined me. As quickly as she landed her punch she vanished from my life. Yet I was left picking up broken pieces of a person I never thought would be the same again.

The problem wasn’t even this person. It was me—I held onto the hurt and betrayal I felt by refusing to forgive her. I didn’t want to be OK, because what she did wasn’t OK. In a twisted way it was almost as if I felt like remaining hurt forever would prove her actions were wrong—even though she wasn’t there to see my pain.

Forgiving her and letting go—and choosing not to punish other people for her mistakes—opened doors for incredible new relationships for me.  

As you examine your own fear of close relationships, what wound can you trace that fear back to? Do you have unresolved issues in your own heart that are preventing you from moving forward in new relationships? Is there someone you need to forgive?

The Upside of Singleness

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009

happy girl

Although contrary to popular belief among girls who really just want a boyfriend, there are some pluses to being single.That’s right.

Today I’m going to highlight just three. Then I want you to chime in and share even more positives aspects of being single in the comments section below. Deal?

1. Being single allows you to figure out who you are apart from someone else. Sometimes dating teens stop focusing on who they are as people and instead focus all of their efforts on who they are as half of a couple. Their identity becomes so entangled with their relationship that they no longer know who they are apart from it.

But, if you are single (even unwillingly so), you can spend time exploring your likes and dislikes, your talents and passions and even some of the spiritual gifts God may have given you. If you’re in high school or junior college being single can be a real blessing when it comes to determining which university you want to attend. I know more than one girl who changed her plans due to a guy and I often wonder if those girls ever had regrets—especially if their relationships didn’t work out.  

So, use this time to ask God who He has made you and what He has made you for. Before I ever met my husband I graduated from college, wrote two books and was walking in God’s calling on my life. In hindsight, I’m glad Michael didn’t come into my life sooner. I might have missed out on some pretty cool things if he had.

2. Being single allows you freedom to minister in ways you might not be able to otherwise. 1 Corinthians 7:34 says, “…the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband.If you think about that for a moment that’s a pretty powerful verse. It’s saying that someone in your position (singleness) has more freedom to focus on the Lord and minister to others than someone in my position (marriage).

I see this play out in my own life all the time. When I was single it was a lot easier to plan my speaking calendar. Back then I wasn’t trying to coordinate around someone else’s schedule (Michael normally comes with me when I speak and we significantly limit the amount of times a year each of us travels without the other one).

Now that I’m married my approach to ministry has changed because my marriage is one of my most important ministries. Sure I still get to write, speak and do missions work. But not with the same freedom I had when I was single. Don’t waste your singleness. Jump into serving God with everything you have right now. Invest in other people instead of wallowing in your loneliness.  

3. Being single allows you to invest deeply in other relationships. When you start dating someone—and especially when you marry someone—your relationships with other people change. Your time becomes more limited because you suddenly find yourself wanting to spend every waking minute with your significant other.

In college I had some really good girlfriends. We used to take trips together, get together weekly for coffee and share the deepest details of our lives with each other. The dynamic changed drastically when one of the girls got married and another became engaged. Our lives went in different directions. But I still keep a framed photo from one of our trips near my desk because every time I look at it I am reminded of one of the sweetest and most rewarding seasons of my life.

Had I been dating during my college years I would have missed out on some rich relationships. Those were the girls I stayed up late into the night with pondering the big questions in life.

Those are just three reasons you should take the time to stop and appreciate your singleness today.

What are some other reasons? Make a list of things you can do (or do more easily) when you are single and share them in the comments section. What are some things you are thankful for in your season of singleness?

How Can I Stop Comparing Myself to Other Girls?

Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009

Two women holding bags with clothes hanging in backgroundToday’s Q&A Week question is one of my favorites: how can I stop comparing myself to other girls?   

The best answer to that question is buried within the pages of Genesis 29 and 30, in the story of Leah. I’ll summarize it for you here. But I highly recommend you read it yourself.

Although the Bible doesn’t tell us whether Leah’s middle was too plump, or her chin was too pointed, or her face was always covered in huge oozing pimples, it does tell us she was anything but pleasant to look at. Simply put, Leah was ugly. She was so ugly in fact that her father had to cover her face with a veil in order to trick someone into marrying her.

Envision standing at the alter on your wedding day knowing that the man you are marrying really thinks you are someone else. Imagine the heartbreak that came to Leah that night when Jacob discovered the truth and ran to her father insisting that her sister Rachel become his wife too. She did not even have the spotlight on her wedding day. There was no tender exchange of personalized vows, no deep look of admiration.

There was no celebratory kiss as they were pronounced husband and wife. If anything, there was a shriek of horror in the bridal suite when Leah’s identity was revealed. Can’t you hear Leah’s heart breaking?

She only wanted to be loved. For once in her life Leah did not want to come in second place. Ugly and unloved—that’s not a good combination. Especially when Miss America is your sister—and you share the same husband. It was probably safe to guess Leah spent more nights alone than Rachel did. Leah was probably forgotten. She was the wife Jacob never wanted. And because of that I am sure Leah lived a life she never wanted. But Jacob’s unwanted wife was the one who bore him Judah. From Leah’s womb came the son that established the lineage from which the Messiah would come.

She may have been Jacob’s unwanted wife, but she was God’s chosen daughter. Funny isn’t it, that God doesn’t care about gene pools and that He chose the ugly daughter to be in the blood line of His Son? I guess some things really are less important than we think. In our eyes it is the girl with the blonde highlights and the French manicure that has worth. It’s the prom queen or softball captain that has value. It’s the class president who matters to everyone else.

But that’s not how God works. God likes the ugly sisters, in fact God even loves the ugly sisters. He thinks they’re beautiful. And let’s be honest, at one time or another we have all felt like the ugly sister or the lame sidekick of a best friend.

There’s hope for those of us who feel less than beautiful. God has a place reserved for those of us who always wind up at the end of the line and the bottom of the list. He specializes in using those whom the world has cast aside, and those most people forget about the moment after they meet them.

Leah’s role in history became pivotal in the lives of people she would never meet. This simple girl who probably spent most days feeling as if she wouldn’t be missed if she just up and left, became a valuable piece in the puzzle of God’s plan for bringing the world a Savior. What an incredible thought!

So, how do you stop comparing yourself to other girls? Simple. You remember Leah’s story. The sister that Jacob rejected was the sister that God chose. You have no need to compete with other girls. God has a story for you that’s uniquely your own.

What are some ways you tend to fall into the comparison trap? When are you most vulnerable to comparing yourself to other girls? Did it surprise you to learn that Leah—the ugly sister—was in the lineage of the Messiah?

What If You’ve Broken the Rules for Guarding Your Heart?

Monday, July 20th, 2009

daydreamingIt’s Q&A Week here on the blog! This week I’ll focus on answering questions I’ve received from you over the past few weeks. Monday-Thursday I’ll answer in traditional post form, and on Friday I’ll post the first Fan Mail Friday vlog. So, keep your questions coming!

A few weeks ago I did a series here on the blog about guarding your heart in guy/girl relationships. Shortly thereafter I received this question via my Facebook inbox: “What happens if you have broken all of the rules for guarding your heart?”

This is a good question because I think we’ve all been in this situation at least once in our lives. The short answer is that you start over. It helps if you have a friend who also wants to start over and you are willing to hold each other accountable.

 That means you don’t let each other talk about your crushes, read into their actions, or speculate about what might be. You need one person who can speak into your life and say, “Hey! Would you talk about your brother like that?” You also need a friend to pray for you about changing your focus in your friendship with the guy friend you keep obsessing about.

Galatians 5:23 says that a Christian who bears fruit will exercise self control. Self control means that you are simply controlling yourself–your mind, your actions, your words, your thoughts, etc…

Think about your thoughts the same way you think about driving a car. Someone has to steer a car that’s in motion, right? Well, when you are thinking your mind is in motion but you have the power to steer your thoughts in whatever direction you choose. So, stop letting yourself think about your guy friend in a way you wouldn’t think about your brother.

Don’t replay his last conversation with you over and over again in your mind. He said ‘Talk to you later.’ Does that mean he’s going to call me? Should I charge me cell phone?

Instead think about something else. It can be anything—the latest movie you watched, your Algebra homework, the book you are reading, etc…If you find it hard to think of another subject on the spot then have something else to think about pre-planned for your moments of weakness.

Pick a memory verse. Every time your mind wanders and you find that you’re not guarding your heart mediate on the verse instead.

1 Corinthians 10:13 talks about no temptation being too much to handle because God is always faithful to provide a way of escape. That means, when your emotions become so overpowering that you think you just can’t help but gush about your crush and read into his actions there is still a way of escape. You can consciously turn your mind to other thoughts and prevent yourself from talking about your friend in a romantic way.

Have a friend you can call that will help get you back on track. In high school, my friend Ruby was a life saver for me in so many ways. When she and I finally got smart and decided we were going to guard our hearts we were always just a phone call away when the other person needed us. Most days just having her say, “Stop thinking of him like that. He’s not thinking of you like that,” was enough to get my mind on a different track. She spoke the truth to me in love. For that I’ll always be grateful.

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else guard your heart.” That means it should be priority number one.  

What are some ways you can consciously steer your mind in another direction? What are some things you can think about instead of daydreaming in a way that doesn’t guard your heart? How can a friend keep you accountable to your newfound commitment to guard your heart?  

Related Posts:

We’re Just Friends…Or Are We?

Guarding Your Heart in Guy/Girl Friendships

You Are Worth the Chase

The Difference Between Being Friends and Being “Just Friends”

7 Reasons to Consider Dating

Making New Friends

Thursday, July 16th, 2009

Portrait Of A Group Of Teenage GirlsWhen it comes to dealing with jealous girls most of us probably wish we could pack our bags and move away overnight—or that we could pack their bags and force them to move away overnight. Neither of those are usually possible options. 

But you can always choose to expand your own circle and make some new friends, leaving the jealous girls in your dust. When I met with Sarah I asked her if there were any other girls she could hang out with at school. At first she said no. When I asked if there were other girls in her class she winced. I caught on quickly to where she was going with this.

“You don’t want to hang out with anyone else because they are less popular than these jealous girls who can’t even let you get a hair cut without picking you apart,” I said to her matter-of-factly waiting for her response. She looked down without answering. “Am I right?” I prodded her further. After all, she had asked for my help. She fiddled with her hands without looking up.

“Yeah,” she sighed heavily and finally answered. At this point I began to list all of the reasons Sarah really didn’t like hanging out with the jealous girls, and I listed a few examples of why they really weren’t even friends, much less good friends. She saw my point, and left my office at church that day dragging her feet.

The next week she walked in with a bounce in her step as she told me about the new girls she started hanging out with. One had invited her over the previous weekend, and even stuck up for her in front of the jealous girls when they attacked Sarah’s new outfit.

“Sure, these girls aren’t as popular,” she told me, “but they are sure a lot nicer. And they don’t tear me down when I get new clothes or do something right.” From that moment on she was convinced that there was more to life than just the jealous girls.

If the jealous girls in your life are part of the social circle you hang in then expand your circle. Or better yet, start a whole new one. All girls are looking for friends, especially those who may not be among the most popular on campus. Reach out to someone new, start over and move on. But don’t use other innocent girls to make the jealous girls jealous of you. Remember, you really want them to stop competing with you and leave you alone. So don’t try to compete with them.  

If the jealous girls in your life are not part of your immediate social circle, and just happen to go to the same school or youth group as you then do your best to ignore them. Work at building good, strong, solid and healthy friendships with those you are friends with, and don’t worry about those you aren’t friends with. Remember that even in your most lonely moments Jesus is still there to be your forever friend. Proverbs 18:24 says, “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” He is that friend.  

Don’t include the jealous girls in your life. Don’t give them any power. What we all fail to realize is that jealous girls only have the power and authority we give them. Being jealous from a distance isn’t as much fun, and eventually they will give up and quit if you don’t let them into your circle. Sure they may put up a fight, but they can’t win unless you let them.

What are some ways you can make new friends? Have you ever had someone reach out to you when you were hurting? How can you do that for someone else? How can you remind yourself that Jesus is a friend that sticks closer than a brother?

Other posts in this series:

Dealing with Jealous Girls

What’s Really Bothering You?

It’s Not About the Jealous Girls

It’s Not About the Jealous Girls

Wednesday, July 15th, 2009

Woman Playing Guitar

Yesterday, we talked about the importance of being honest with God about your pain. Today we’ll talk about a few ways to do that. Some girls begin keeping a journal. Write out your thoughts and emotions. Explain what makes you mad or hurts you. Write a letter to someone who has caused you pain letting them know how you feel, and then tear it up when you are done.

 Pour out your heart to God—out loud or on paper—and let Him know what it is that is tearing you apart. Sit down with your guitar, your drums, your flute—or whatever—and play a song or two. Go out for a run or a long walk (in a safe area during daylight hours). Whatever you do, find something that is a release for you.

Now, don’t misread what I am saying and go find a way to make yourself so busy that you avoid feeling pain. I’m not talking about being busy here. Find a way you can think about and process your pain by physically releasing it in writing, exercising, music or something similar.

Many girls I know choose unhealthy ways to deal with and release their pain. They turn to eating disorders, drugs or self mutilation (like cutting) as a way of feeling and processing their pain. They do this so that they feel a greater since of control over their lives. If they cause their bodies pain and harm (instead of letting the pain and negative emotions out) then they can determine when they will hurt and when they won’t. But really the deeper issues are never dealt with and these girls are left hurting all the time.

Find a way to let your pain out without letting more pain in. Physically harming yourself is not going to help you heal from inner wounds, and it most certainly will not help you combat jealous girls when they attack.

If you can teach yourself to see that it is not a jealous girl’s words or actions that that make you hurt and feel the way you do, but rather how they make you feel when they touch an sensitive spot—like feeling rejected or abandoned—then you have already won half the battle. If you have an outlet to express your pain (preferably one that does not take place in front of the jealous girl like crying and screaming usually do) then you have won the entire battle because you can let her words go in one ear and out the other.

For instance, when the jealous girls began to rip Sarah (the girl I told you about yesterday) apart at school when she got a new haircut or some cute new clothes, she would remind herself that their comments only hurt because she already felt rejected by the parents who abandoned her at birth and she desperately wanted to feel accepted. The girls at school were causing her to feel rejected all over again, and she didn’t like it one bit. It wasn’t easy for her to ignore their comments because they touched on a deep insecurity she wrestled with everyday. But over time, Sarah learned to change. Instead of reacting on the spot, like she had in the past, she would remind herself she could vent in her journal later. Or cry in the privacy of her own room.

Proverbs 29:29 says, “A fool always loses his temper, but a wise man holds it back.” I’m pretty sure you don’t want to look like a fool, and neither do I, so the practice of keeping our mouths shut can become a pretty valuable tool for us if we let it. When we react to jealous girls, it makes us look bad and it gives them exactly what they want—the upper hand. I’m pretty sure that is not something we want to surrender to them.

How do you process your pain? How can you prevent yourself from being a fool who gives into anger? What gifts has God given you that allow you to connect with Him in unique ways?

Other posts in this series:

Dealing with Jealous Girls

What’s Really Bothering You?

Tomorrow’s Post–Making New Friends